Innocence, I know

I know,
Hush, before you speak it,
For I've no need to hear
What is already told,
That I've seen in your eyes,
When without a disguise,
They've revealed
Your soul to mine,

I know,
Hush, for you need not defend,
When you know I am yours
And I've already heard,
From the earth to the moon,
From without and inside,
Where we just cannot hide
Our innocence
From one another,

I know, Love.
Hush, I know.

For Michael, from DM ~
'Innocence, I Know'
(c) May 13, 2013

Happy Mother's Day, Beloved

[Note: Sorry I haven't finished the "Bad Tour" posts! I will, I promise. Just been busy!]

Michael, would it be too weird if I wished YOU a Happy Mother's Day as well? You're kind of like my "other mother" (but not in the creepy Coraline kinda way, lol). I didn't begin to realize this until after 2009. I had grown up with you, but I never thought of you as a parent figure. (Ahem, no.... wayyyy too many feeling crossed that line, ahem. ;) Plus, you're not quite old enough to be my dad, lol. However...

A couple of years ago I had a realization that I am actually one of your kids. I declared myself yours around my 12th birthday, after all. Although I thought of myself as nearly grown up (lol), twelve is still a child! When you felt for 'your babies' around the world, I used to be one of them. That was a nice thought. I love being yours.

And when I was scared and alone during a brief stay in a foster home, YOU were my salvation. I wasn't allowed to contact friends or family, but I had you in my heart. I remember lying in that bedroom, silently crying and reaching out to you in desperation, "Michael, I know you don't know me, but I'm only 13, a fan, and I'm in an awful mess right now. Can you hug me? I'm scared." And although some would say it's crazy, my other friends will know it's true... you were there. When I wanted to leave this planet some months later, again, it was you ... your words, your voice, that saved me. Was I seeking a friend? Or did I need a third parent in those moments? I'm understanding it was both.

And it's been you, in the more traditionally maternal role, who's been working on my ability to feel, be caring and to express love, compassion and affection all these years. I made a vow as a child that no one would ever see me cry. I used to be asked, through tears, "Don't you FEEL anything?! You're just so cold!" by more emotional types. (Thanks, Capricorn Moon. The answer is yes, of course, but I tend to freeze up.) But Michael ... geesh... you had me crying and emoting when there wasn't much to cry or emote about yet! Because of you and your emotional exuberance about E.T. The Extra Terrestrial, that was the first movie I allowed myself to publicly weep at when I saw it the first time during its theatrical re-release in '85. I let the story into my heart because in so doing I was communing with you! And we're not even going to talk about my shaking and crying my eyes out at the Bad concert a few years later, lol!

Through loving you, growing up with you, crying with you, becoming an adult with you, I've gone through so much, and directly because of YOUR encouragement (by just being who you are) I've learned that it's okay to feel and say "I love you". It's okay to say those things. It's okay to express it. In fact, we should! Even if it's still difficult for me, little by little the bricks crumble while you stand to the side like a parent, smiling at each little triumph. And when I've needed arms to hold me, you've so often been there, with the deepest comfort I've ever felt. You even made me a bowl of split-pea soup in a dream, lol. And then there was that past life (?) glimpse of being your baby, but I'll leave that for now.

In astrology, it's common to lose a parent during certain transits, like major planets on angles. The day you died I had that, plus a massive Pluto conjunct Moon transit had just begun. The moon, of course, represents the mother principle, and in my chart, the moon's ruler is conjunct the 4th house cusp, which also represents one's mother. These things showed the dangerous/likely possibility of losing a parent, particularly one's mother. And I did: YOU. Right in cosmic timing. (*Knocks strongly on wood and prays for the other two*, whose influence I'm not trying to downplay.) This is probably one reason the mourning has been so deep, so total, so incomprehensible. I lost you, for whom love is unfathomably deep, and also a parent at the same time.

So, Beloved, having you right there looking out to me from every inch of my bedroom walls growing up, you being my comfort in the worst times, and your constant emotional mentoring... it's all right there. I could ramble on for pages, but suffice it to say, you have been and continue to be a mothering spiritual being to me. But then, you're also my friend, my lover, my brother, my guru, my ... oh heck, Michael, you're EVERYTHING. And I love you. Happy Mother's Day from one of your kids. Always.

The Way You Made Me Feel! ~ Bad Tour in Denver Pt2: Countdown to Bliss

From the moment I got my ticket, it was far more precious than gold. I looked at it, studied it every day. I had everything memorized. You could have bumped into me in the hallway at school and I could've told you every single detail, from the exact wording to the event code. Even how many asterisks there were between the date and location lines.

Seating at McNichols was like this for section DDD

Every couple of days I would walk over to the record store at lunch or on a free hour from school just to ogle the McNichols Arena seating chart. I'm surprised they didn't know my name by the concert date. Just how close to Michael would I be??? Ohhhh, the agony. The exquisite agony of waiting for the glorious day! I would sit on the front porch and try to guesstimate the distance by pretending Michael was dancing on the roof a couple of houses away. I wrote a journal at school and nearly everything in it is about Michael, lol. I wrote my ticket info, what number "Man in the Mirror" had been on Dial MTV (the forerunner of TRL), etc.

I made myself a special calendar to count down to the best day ever. I marked off each day and had a HOURS countdown after a while. That's right... you'll see on each day there are the number of hours (at noon) until the moment my eyes would behold my Beloved! ♥

A few days after I got my ticket, a third show was added. The second show had been automatically scheduled on that first day of ticket sales. I didn't even know about it, as both shows sold out in a matter of hours. The third show also rapidly sold out. I wish I'd had more money and more know-how so that I could've attended more than one! Aghghgh! (Note: The official Bad Tour info, from the tour program (I think) to Wikipedia is WRONG. Everywhere you'll look it says that Denver was March 23 & 24. No! Maybe that was the original plan, but that's NOT what happened. The band KISS actually performed at McNichols Arena on March 23, 1988. Michael Jackson then did THREE shows ... March 24, March 25 and March 26.)

Here are the radio ads announcing the third show!

And there's one more important video that simply MUST be posted. Three weeks before my special day, beautiful Michael performed "The Way You Make Me Feel" and "Man in the Mirror" at the Grammy Awards! (And here's an article about this that is a MUST-READ! Rembert Explains the '80s: Michael Jackson at the 1988 Grammy Awards ) Imagine seeing this performance... and I mean WOW... and knowing that you're going to see this man soon! Yes, imagine! Btw, the day after the Grammy's Michael also did a special benefit show in the tour at Madison Square Garden in NY.



NEXT: Part 3 to be posted soon ... CONCERT DAY!
News articles and TV reports to be posted as well :)

PREVIOUS: Part 1: OMG, Tickets to see Michael Jackson!

The Way You Made Me Feel! ~ Bad Tour in Denver Pt1: OMG! Tickets to see Michael Jackson!

NEXT: Part 2: Countdown to Bliss

On June 28, 1987, two months before the release of the "Bad" album, when the airwaves once again were graced with something new and wonderful from Michael Jackson ("I Just Can't Stop Loving You" ~ Finally! Joy!), an announcement was made that would send my life into beautiful new territory. Our local newspaper ran the following article a couple of days later:

Jackson Tour to Start in Japan
Shy superstar Michael Jackson's first concert tour in three years will begin with a series of September concerts in Japan, where the singer feels his fans are among his most loyal, his personal manager said Tuesday in Tokyo. "He feels very comfortable here," said Frank Dileo. Jackson, 28, who has not visited Japan since performing with his brothers as the Jackson Five in 1973, said in a statement that he would give his fans "thrilling and exciting" concerts. Dileo said he will  perform in Tokyo, Osaka and Yokohama, go on to Australia, and then tour the United States from February to June and Europe from June through August 1988. It will be Jackson's first performances since his 1984 "Victory" tour with his brothers and his first concerts without them.

W...w...... wait.... did I read that right? Did that really say "and then tour the United States"?! I can't begin to explain the kind of excitement that welled up inside! My parents hadn't let me go to the Victory Tour and I had vowed to myself that the next time there was nothing and no one who would stop me from seeing Michael! My heart was pounding, thoughts spiraling into a newfound bliss! Oh please let it be true! Please let it be true!!!!

It was a few more months before anything more was mentioned about the US leg of the Bad Tour, then this came blasting from my radio! Just listen! It's enough to make you blow up!

Text: "Get ready, Denver! The rumors are true! The event of the century is coming to McNichols Arena! Pepsi presents MICHAEL JACKSON! At last... March 24th, the thrill is back! Michael Jackson, in spectacular concert! Tickets go on sale this Monday at 8am at all Ticketmaster locations. Michael Jackson! LIVE! Tickets this Monday at 8am at all Ticketmaster, all Dave Cooks, select Budget Tapes and Records, or charge it 303-623-TIXS. HE'S COMING... March 24th to McNichols Arena. Michael Jackson, presented by Pepsi."

Lord have mercy! How did I survive this announcement?!!!! My dream! Oh my God, I was going to finally see Michael!! And it was just a few days before tickets were to go on sale! I didn't have any MJ fan friends, but a couple friends from high school (I had just turned 16) said they'd go with me. In the end, no one could come up with the cash in time over the weekend, so I realized that I'd be going to my first ever concert alone. No matter. I would crawl on my hands and knees for those 65 miles through snow, sleet, broken glass... whatever. I HAD to see him.

On the morning of February 22nd, I dragged my mom out of bed at 4-something in the morning so I could get to the downtown ticket outlet by 5am. Naturally, I had wanted to camp out all night, but there was no way she'd let me. It was freezing cold (February in Colorado!) and I'd have been "alone". As we pulled up to Budget Tapes and Records my heart sank just a bit. Wow, there were a lot of people in line already. I jumped out of the car and took my place as the 54th person, around the corner against the icy brick wall. Was it really that cold? I hardly noticed. My heart only knew one thing ... I was about to get a ticket to see the love of my life.

At 8am sharp the door opened and people rapidly streamed through, a few at a time. Butterflies filled my stomach as I anxiously pleaded inside for them to HURRY UP! Imagine getting to the front of the line and finding out the show had sold out! There were sure to be many more people in line at Ticketmaster outlets in Denver, and each second counted.

When I was let in, I was shaking already. I got to the counter and said "ONE TICKET, PLEASE." I kept telling myself it wouldn't matter where the seat was, just as long as I could be there. I handed over my $22.50 plus taxes and fee, and received in return a little turquoise paper from the printer. Oh my God, how could I look down to read it? It was in my hand! I HAD A TICKET TO SEE MICHAEL JACKSON...  IN MY HAND! Dare I look where my seat is? 

FLOOR?????????? Oh my! Oh! Oh!!!! 

Yes, but alas, that doesn't mean 9th row from the stage. It's row 9 in the section behind the other section that's in front of the stage, lol. In the end it's somewhere around row 34 to 40. But still ... that would mean I'd be physically closer to Michael than the vast majority of the arena. I felt so blessed. Just blessed to have that precious ticket in my hand. I'd loved Michael with every heartbeat for almost four years. I laugh a bit at that now (only four years?), but when you're a teenager that's like forever. Not only was he the most incredible performer and entertainer ever, but  he'd saved my life when I'd wanted to die. He'd been with me in my heart through some terrible circumstances. He'd been the doorway to love and hope and a reason to carry on. His pictures covered every inch of my bedroom walls so that I could live in a sort of Michael Sanctuary. And most importantly, I knew he was a beautiful person. From the moment I'd first fallen for him, I'd read every interview I could find, even going through libraries to dig up old magazine articles. I felt something inside him that's hard to explain. And that something was filled with LIGHT and LOVE and all I wanted to do was love him back. I wanted to just BE NEAR to him and LOVE him. And this, as close as I'd likely get for a while, was my chance to do just that. Thank you, God. Thank you, Michael.

NEXT: Part 2: Countdown to Bliss

Divine You Are

 

Oh, Michael,

All day long, all through the night,

Poems to you flow through my soul,

Loving you, wanting you,

Lost in your beauty and the heat of a desire

too transcendent to form words on paper,

For my fingers can only trace

The sublime of your form,

And what sublimity there lives!

In effusive worship, all this love,

Oh Michael, in any form, let me trace

The Divinity you are,

Wordless from my quivering lips,

Simply, you are Heaven.

Divine you are.

I am so in love with you. ♥ 

~ (c) DM, March 9, 2013

A Quarter of a Century Bereft

This month it will be 25 years. Twenty-five years since I've seen you. I'm feeling so sad today. You know how it just rebounds out of the blue and I find myself whining to you all night with tears streaking down my whiny face? Yeah. God knows all about this too. I frequently cry to Her about how much I love you. Luckily, She has the patience of a supreme deity. I hope you have some of it too, creepy-religious photoshops aside.

Despite this fire in my soul, in my quarter century personally bereft of your physical presence, something always intervened and kept me so far from you. Especially back in 2009 I wracked my brain trying to find my mistake ... what could I have done differently to have seen you again?! Conclusion: all things examined, not much, really. Not unless my life had been steered into another direction years earlier. Or, later... if you'd stayed.

Please know, Michael, this level of whining only applies to you. It could only apply to you. You... the pinnacle of all wishes upon all stars. You... the height of my heart's desire. You... in whose glance lay the supreme resolution to a boundless love. And me... left with only the merest hope of an oft-imagined, and heard by you, tearful confession over the din of a crowd: "I LOVE YOU, MICHAEL!"

But even that was not to be.

I'm glad I believe we're Spirit, or how could I go on? So I seemingly chose this? I chose to love you (you! you!) so incomprehensibly much that I've broken apart into a billion pieces time and time again, with your joy, with your pain, with mine, nearly insane... inexplicably bound by the cosmically oceanic depth of a connection I feel, deemed crazy by most of the world, yet more real than all of it?

So am I some kind of spiritual masochist then? Damn. I'm only half joking. But seriously, is this torture meant to force me out of attachment? You know, like the thumbscrews come off when one learns to let go of you? Or is this to give me the impetus to live in a state of loving devotion, i.e. not letting go... this time by choice, instead of in fear of recrimination by other-worldly forces (i.e. "love me or you'll go to Hell" - that sort of thing)? Life is so cryptic sometimes.

When I ask you, it's all about love.

Oh Beloved, forgive my begging, my whining, my incessant calls. I mean, unless you want it ... then by all means, come kiss me before I start crying again. Open my heart a little wider. Mmmm. You do it so well.

Alas, what joy there will be upon ascension ...
if my destination is your embrace.

~ DM ♥ March 1, 2013

♥ 29 Years of Being Yours ♥

Change the molecules in my space, 

As if they had beheld your face, 

Your beauty in that moment would, 

Sustain my soul as nothing could, 

A moment, space - these notions tire, 

My heart burns with an endless fire, 

I count this love by years in vain, 

For all eternal is your name, 

Your image burned upon my heart, 

Won't let me be from you apart, 

By bless'ed presence change my place, 

With you I've known the sweetest grace. 

 ~ For Michael on our "anniversary" January 16, 2013 

♥ 29 years of being yours (well ... in this life, anyway ;)

BAD Memory Scrapbook: The Day of Release!

In the next few weeks I'll be sharing some memories from 25 years ago, when Bad was released :) I plan to write much more, but for now... the day Bad was released! August 31, 1987! This was such incredible joy! If you weren't there or weren't a fan then, omg, you have no idea! 

The premier of the Bad short film was that same night!

My actual receipt, lol! I bought the LP and the cassette :) Remember those days? Thank you, Michael!