Mahler's 'Resurrection' and the Symphony of Love

I was watching a wonderful performance of Mahler's 'Resurrection' Symphony No. 2 on BBC Proms Sunday night. This seemed so fitting, since a friend of mine is working on a requiem at the moment. And some of Mahler's lyrics translated to English, ohhh, they just seemed to fit. Written in paragraph form are some of the lyrics from 01:16:50 onward in the video below:

You shall rise again. You shall rise again, my dust, after a brief sleep. Eternal life. He who called you shall grant you eternal life. Believe, my heart. Nothing will be lost to you. It is all yours! Yours, what you longed for. Yours, what you loved and strove for. Believe! You were not born in vain. You did not live and struggle in vain. All that is brought to life must pass away. What passes away must rise again. Cease your trembling, prepare yourself, prepare for life. All-penetrating sorrow, I have broken free from you. All-destroying death, now you are conquered. On the wings I have gained I shall soar with ardent love into the light that no eye has seen! I shall die to find life. You shall rise again. Yes, you shall rise again, my heart, in an instant! What you have overcome shall bring you to God.

And so... do you ever have one of those days when seemingly profound ideas bounce around your head with depth of understanding that quickly fades into a twilight of oblivion before you can formulate it coherently? Yeah. This was one of those days and yes, most of it slipped far, far away, lol. I just know that at some point I was watching each member of the orchestra, at times all playing vigorously together, bows rising and falling frantically into the air, all horns blowing, flutists' fingers rapidly moving across the silver keys, lips pursed ... and then... a calm befell Royal Albert Hall. Some instruments were lowered. Only two of the three french horns in use, the third lying in wait. Half the bows with their accompanying violins and cellos sitting calmly, awaiting the moment they will once again be needed.

It became so clear why the "Symphony of Love" (aka "Symphony of Hearts" and "Symphony in the Key of Love", as comes up often in Jan's conversations with Michael) is not just a great metaphor, but exactly how life really is. Not life as humans would claim it to be, but as the Divine Plan deems it so.

It could be that the bass oboe is only needed for a few bars, or the timpani just for the finale, or the piccolo for the fleeting middle of the second movement. It could be that in order to make the symphony truly grand, fifteen violinists are needed, but only half play at once during much of the performance. That's how beautiful music is made! Sometimes it's your turn to shine, to play with all your might. Sometimes your neighbor is playing what you thought was your part, while you're supposed to sit it out and relax.

And while as a member of an orchestra you have the sheet music in front of you, in life it's awfully hard to see what's right in front of you, especially your own music. We keep looking over to the clarinets, thinking, "They're sure important right now! Maybe I should play the clarinet!" And some time later, "Wow, if only I had learned the trumpet I'd be at the top right now!" And later still, "Oh, the strings are so beautiful and I'm stuck with this stupid tuba!" Yet it becomes very clear as the music rises and falls that all are necessary, all are important. Sometimes the one with the "smallest" part makes an impact for just a few seconds that turns the mundane to pure heaven.

When we turn to look directly ahead and stop worrying about what everyone else is doing, we may notice the music stand sitting right in front of us. If we learn to focus and let outer distractions fall away, we may be able to see some of our own notes on the page before us. If we glance up from the orchestra floor and from what's right under our nose we may realize that a conductor is up there directing this entire symphony. She has the entire symphony orchestra before her! He knows all the parts and how they should fit together! She's aware of the slightest variation in pitch, when someone's out of tune, when the sound should be softer or when the intense staccato still isn't intense enough. He's holding us all together, helping us play our parts in perfect synchronicity. And not only that, if we pay attention to His direction we will play our part all the more magnificently, instead of randomly tooting our own horn at some inopportune time, lol. Once we begin to realize these things, we are able to glance back to the pages before us and at our individual notes, which will slowly become clearer.

We can't play all the parts or all the instruments, but what we do play is absolutely necessary for this crazy unending symphony, even when it feels like we're just one of 100 million violinsts blending into the background drone. Imagine the symphony without that soaring sound, though?! It could be that's exactly what you're supposed to be playing. In all honesty, this orchestra's tune is far too vast and too loud for human ears. To think you can hear the whole thing is to believe you can hear one harp in China... from the moon. You won't hear the whole thing while you're here, but it's being recorded for your later awe! So just pay attention to those little notes. Forget what the trombones are doing and look at your own music. Focus gently until your notes come into view, one page at a time. If you feel useless right now, focus until it's time once again to pick up your instrument and play your heart out.

At some point we may wonder if this conductor is also the composer. (I do, because I can't help but make everything complicated, lolol.) How was this divine music put together? I don't know. If you figure that out, please let me know... ;)

Happy Birthday, Michael, my beautiful Love!

I love you so much, Michael!

Reblogging this post from MajorLovePrayer.org:
One in Service, Celebrating Michael / Happy Birthday, Michael!

Like honey, all sweet!

"You're all like honey. There are hundreds to thousands of varieties possible, all different, all unique. It depends on which type of bees make the honey, where they live, the endless combinations of flowers from which they've gathered their nectar... even the time of year. All are unique, like no other... but ALL SWEET!"
~ a whisper to the soul, August 10, 2011

Since the previous post had two quotes mentioning bees and sweetness, I thought this was perfectly appropriate as the next! Quotes are repeated below, in case you missed them :) And here's some info about honey that I found online: "Honey is made by bees in one of the world’s most efficient facilities, the beehive. The 60,000 or so bees in a beehive may collectively travel as much as 55,000 miles and visit more than two million flowers to gather enough nectar to make just a pound of honey! The color and flavor of honey differ depending on the bees’ nectar source (the blossoms). In fact, there are more than 300 unique kinds of honey in the United States, originating from such diverse floral sources as Clover, Eucalyptus and Orange Blossoms." - source: honey.com

"The honey in the flower or lotus does not crave for bees; they do not plead with the bees to come. Since they have tasted the sweetness, they themselves search for the flowers and rush in. They come because of the attachment between themselves and sweetness." ~ Sri Sathya Sai Baba

"O God, my mind is fascinated with Thy lotus feet as the bumble-bee with the flower; night and day I thirst for them." ~ Guru Nanak

The Lotus in Michael's Hand

"The honey in the flower or lotus does not crave for bees; they do not plead with the bees to come. Since they have tasted the sweetness, they themselves search for the flowers and rush in. They come because of the attachment between themselves and sweetness." ~ Sri Sathya Sai Baba

"O God, my mind is fascinated with Thy lotus feet as the bumble-bee with the flower; night and day I thirst for them." ~ Guru Nanak

When the background picture for this blog was chosen, it was basically on a whim because I had no specific plans for what it all should look like. The chosen pic turned out to set up the entire color scheme and simply felt right. To me this particular photoshop represents Michael being shone down upon from the heavens (the shining light) as he channels this energy through his being (as he often talked about himself - of being merely the messenger, the means to deliver what was already created above) and it concentrates into the gift within his hand, the gift he is extending to us and to all who are willing to reach for it and accept it. (In this sense it is not just Michael per se, but all who play the role of guide.) What is that gift? Certainly not something easily defined. Aren't we all still grappling with these questions? It's something universal and yet very personal. The lotus itself to me represented the feeling of cosmic awakening, the invitation to look beyond and yet to go within where we are one, something sacred and existing of love, held out for the seeker, brought to us from God/Higher Selves by a special teacher who has opened our hearts. It's a very spiritual symbol, after all. Here's some more information below about lotus symbolism. Thought it all rather fitting:

• The holiest of flowers for Hindus, the beautiful lotus is symbolic of the true soul of an individual. It represents the being, which lives in turbid waters yet rises up and blossoms to the point of enlightenment. Mythologically speaking, lotus is also a symbol of creation, since Brahma, the creator came forth from the lotus that blooms from the navel of Vishnu. (1)

• Pink Lotus: This the supreme lotus, generally reserved for the highest deity. Thus naturally it is associated with the Great Buddha himself. ..."In esoteric Buddhism, the heart of the beings is like an unopened lotus: when the virtues of the Buddha develop therein, the lotus blossoms; that is why the Buddha sits on a lotus bloom." (2)

• Because they emerge from slime and corruption, then grow up through the purifying water to emerge into the sunlight, they are seen as metaphors for the development of the individual being towards enlightenment. That is, the flower stands for renunciation of the entanglements of samsara, and for the pure aspiration that is the desire for enlightenment for the sake of others. ... The "lotus" depicted in tomb paintings of ancient Egypt ...is also known as the "lily of the Nile." It is not a true lotus, but a blue water lily Nymphaea caerulea.(3)

• The lotus is the pre-eminent symbol in the non dual traditions. In Hinduism it is associated with the creation mythology featuring the gods Vishnu, Brahma, and Lakshmi as well as most other dieties. In Buddism, the Buddha and various dieties are portrayed seated on and/or holding lotuses. In Egyptian mythology the term has been misapplied to the water lily by translators of their hieroglyphics and in references to its motif in art and architecture.(4)

• It embodies the Buddhist ideas of transcendence, purity, and non-duality. In point, the lotus is the symbol of the absolute, sustaining the phenomenal world. ... In Tibetan Buddhist art, it is very common for images of Buddhas, Bodhisattvas, and other prominent figures to be depicted as resting upon an open Lotus flower. ... The Lotus also acts as a metaphoric guide to those who are engaged in ...the direction of realizing complete, unchastened enlightenment. ... The flower gracefully accepts the pool that it is placed in and shines beautifully in negation of circumstance. (5)

• Hindus revere it with the gods Vishnu, Brahma and to a lesser degree Kubera, and the goddesses Lakshmi and Sarasvati . Often used as an example of divine beauty and purity, Vishnu is often described as the 'Lotus-Eyed One'. ...Its unfolding petals suggest the expansion of the soul. The growth of its pure beauty from the mud of its origin holds a benign spiritual promise. ... The lotus in both Egypt and India symbolizes the union of the four elements; earth, air, fire, and water.... The growth of a new flower directly from the earth-bound original may be interpreted as a symbol of transcendence: a spiritual emergence of a higher world directly from our physical manifestation.(6)

"You are the wildflower in bloom, You are the Life-throb That pulsates, dances, From a speck of dust To the most distant star, And you and I Were never separate, It's just an illusion Wrought by the magical lens of Perception."
~ Michael Jackson ('Heaven is Here' / Dancing the Dream)

Godlike Love & What You Need

♥ To love in a Godlike fashion is to love with all of our faults, doubts and "ugly" parts, not despite these things. Divinity sees all, loves all.

♥ Don't compare yourself to others. Live your own spiritual experience without worrying if others are "getting more" than you. What you have is right for you, meaningful to you, what you need where you are right now. You can't get any "more" than that!


~ some musings via gentle whispers of the soul...

"Savior" - a poem with a story

All the dark moments that tore at my heart,
The days I thought there could be no start
Again for a life that's too much to take,
In a young mind, this moment puts all at stake,
When friends turned away and failed to give
What little would offer some hope to live,
And over the years in love's fighting trench,
How much could there be for the soul to wrench?
Then why soldier on with absurd fortitude,
What for is the hope to stay out of this mood?
But I always thought I would see you again,
And - to know what is coming next and when!
What tune will reach to my soul with such ease
That just living that moment's enough to please?
And where would your destiny take you still,
I could not leave it solely to their worldly will,
Would fate see it fit to cross our paths once more,
Or forever from afar would I still you adore?
It may sound naive or from hope springing hope,
But never could I leave you alone to cope,
For you saved me in ways I could never explain,
And if one wish of mine could just once do the same,
If my love had reached you for a moment of bliss,
For that one hope alone I could not bear to miss,
Still longing for a glimpse of that sparkle of white,
Cast out to the darkness, the sweetest of light,
And together, yet far, so I promised to stay,
To not miss my savior for one blessed day.
~ 'Savior' © April 3, 2010 by D.M.

The poem 'Savior' was written in the spring of 2010, but its story begins back in 1986 and flows through many years. It starts in the midst of an issue that's recently received a lot of attention: bullying in our schools and the suicides that so tragically occur as a result. Kids can get bullied for many reasons and it can start at nearly any time. Situations can change, from moving to a new school to falling out with a group. Unforseen events can occur, as I know well. And when you're a young teen, you may as well be world famous when they do. What I mean by that is there is no escape. You feel like the whole world is out to get you and you can't get away. You have to go to school. You are forced to surround yourself with the very people who are making your life a living hell, and unless you're in a situation with a lot of support (rare, because often you don't even want to tell your family what's going on), you feel very alone. You feel like no one would truly understand, especially the adults who either ignore your torment or try to tell you to just be tough. And coming from the inexperienced perspective of a child or teen, that torment feels like it will go on forever. You feel it will never end. Well, it will and it does. Nothing lasts forever (for good and for bad). Many bullied kids go on to amazing careers, they get married, raise families, they have a life and are loved. We need to get that message through to them. What goes on in stupid (and trust me, it's stupid) junior high or middle school is NOT your whole life. It is one passing moment, painful as it may be, but it WILL pass. Please don't ever give up and don't let others tell you who you are. Don't give them that power over your mind and heart. When you grow up, being different or not fitting in now will most likely turn out to be a strength and an asset then. It might sound crazy, but it's the truth. (See the first comment below for links to support. As Michael sang, "You are not alone.")

So, when I was 14 I found myself accused of something I didn't do... of being a "snitch" and getting a group of "friends" in major trouble. I had never said a word, not one measly word, but that didn't matter. I guess it was because I was the newer addition to group and therefore less popular, easier to blame. We ended up with windows broken out of our house, there were threats of bodily harm and worse, nasty things written about me on lockers and walls. I was screamed at from cars, chased, etc. Even later when I was able to switch schools, the label followed me initially. And the tall tales grew crazier by the minute. Half the kids in the area believed that it had been "confirmed" by school officials that I was the "narc" and that it was because of me that several people on probation were tossed back into jail, juvey hall and/or were expelled. And it was all a lie! I spent a good year or so unable to leave the house alone for fear I'd get my jaw broken or be stabbed or something. To top it off, my best friend knew the truth, but never stood up for me. I didn't get along so well with my parents, so to my mind I had no one.

As I said, a teenager doesn't deal with this in the way an adult might. You're not yet equipped emotionally or experientially and days feels like weeks. When you're in the thick of it, it is all quite literally, deadly serious. The worst thing in the world in junior high is to have no friends and get hatred hollered at you everywhere you go. (Well, that may be one of the worst things to anyone, actually.) When you add the feeling of your life being under threat, it's on yet another level.

One night I was on the bed crying and decided that's it, I'm obviously not cut out for this world. It's a shame to throw in the towel so young, but I can't take the meanness and betrayal. If this is what life is going to be like, then forget it. I had to find a way to do away with myself... but how?

As I was pondering the 'how', my mind made up as to the course of action, a little voice somewhere inside reminded me of Michael Jackson. What a regretful thing that I would never get the chance to meet him or even be here to find out what his next album sounded like. He'd never know how I love him. And I would miss him, yes, for sure. And oh my, I hadn't even listened to Michael for what seemed like ages! My friends were big heavy metal fans and to fit in I'd been giving myself a steady dose of it, even adding a couple of creepy black light posters to my bedroom walls. I didn't even like the stupid things. What was I thinking? I got up in a daze and found my Thriller tape. I put my headphones on and pushed 'play'.

The glorious sounds of Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' filled my ears and that feeling of Michael that I always got deep in my soul began to bubble up. Oh, how I needed him suddenly! Oh, how I had missed his precious voice singing to my heart like this! I cried so hard then, aching to be his friend somehow, to be in his arms, for some comfort from somewhere in this darkness. And Michael was who I'd turned to. But still, I just felt sadness knowing I would be leaving this world soon, leaving him behind. And then came the line, written by him, sung by him, piercing right into my soul:

"Lift your head up high & scream out to the world, 'I know I am someone!' and let the truth unfurl! No one can hurt you now, because you know it's true! Yes, I believe in me, so you believe in you!"

I don't know what happened at that moment, but a change came over me. With tears streaming down my face, I thought, "You're right, Michael. I know. You're right. I'm sorry I'm so weak. I'll try. For you, I'll be stronger. And I really do not want to leave you."

I opened my eyes and looked around. Through tear-streaked vision, Michael's beautiful eyes looked back at me from pictures and posters throughout the room, and in the midst of this light I saw what didn't belong. To heck with my wanna-be friends and their music and their worldview. That's not who I really am. (Ok, I do like some metal, I admit, but never enough to want an Iron Maiden poster in my bedroom ;) In the next days or weeks those things came down and more Michael went up. His wavelength was what I felt inside and he was who I wanted to surround myself with. I vowed to never almost forget my beloved like that again. And so, thanks to Michael Jackson, I didn't try to kill myself at 14. I soldiered through, and was even blessed with being able to see him on the Bad Tour just two years later. And yes, eventually the whole 'narc' episode faded away as we moved on into high school and I made a great many new friends, a couple of which I'm still in contact with twenty years later. (So again ... it does get better.)

And I have to admit something. Through all the years, life has often not been easy. It rarely is. There's been joy, friendship, hope, laughter and love, but also job stress, financial problems, heartbreak, sadness and serious illness. There have been dark times when I wanted to give in to defeat and just end the whole miserable thing (not like one really could, since we go, but you know what I mean). I think we all feel like this sometimes, don't we? I realized something years ago, though: Whenever my mind would succumb to those thoughts, Michael was always just a step ahead. It might sound crazy, but the thought of leaving this Earth while Michael was still here was just unthinkable, and my mind would inevitably turn to thoughts of him, to the Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' episode years ago and how he had essentially saved me. And I didn't want to let him down. I wanted to be wherever he was and I didn't want to miss a thing! And I wanted to be here if he needed me. I owed it to him somehow to stay. Of course, Michael wasn't the only reason for not giving up (!), but he was always part of it. And he still is.

Thank you, Michael. I love you so much. For always and ever.

"I trust you... I'll always trust you."

Have you ever looked at your life and found that you've been drawn to particular themes and storylines, sometimes from a very young age, for seemingly no apparent reason? I'm not talking about the really basic ones like love or general heroics, but something more specific? If you're old enough to have had time to see things play out, perhaps you've even noticed that they strangely make sense later. I'll explain, if I can. Ever since 2009, I've had to rebuild myself from the complete devastation, one atom at a time, as many of you have. Part of this process finds me picking apart some of my childhood and looking at inner motivations and mysteries, while staying up all night babbling to myself, dancing around the living room with my mp3 player. In the process I've discovered (or rediscovered) things long forgotten. The particular ones I'm talking about right now (themes/stories) aren't necessarily something massive, and maybe it's just grasping at straws, but I have a sort of theory. I'll leave that for the end, though.

First, when I was a kid my favorite moments in movies and books were so often those that dealt with trust and loyalty, of steadfast honor and devotion when appearances or rumors may have indicated something suspicious. As an example, this clip below of a scene from the film "Legend" just pulled at my deepest within like crazy. I loved this scene, uh! And I always remembered the quote (this post's title). The story went like this: Lili ("Lily") was the pure, innocent princess who Jack trusted above all others and whom he wished to marry someday. However, when he showed her a beautiful secret (two unicorns in the forest), she reached out to pet one, not understanding that this was forbidden. The world soon turned to ice and everyone, including Jack and Lili, assumed it was due to this 'violation'. (However, it wasn't. She was actually innocent enough to touch one without repercussions.) Lili is then kidnapped by the 'dark lord', who tries to convert her to his side and make her his girl. It appears at one point that he has succeeded, as her appearance has changed dramatically and she is seemingly participating in a dark ritual ... sacrificing the last unicorn. If Lili does indeed cut the horn from its head, light will be extinguished from the world forever and evil will have triumphed. Jack believes he knows her heart and her soul, though, and he still trusts her. If he's wrong, the world ends. There's a lot at stake if Jack doesn't kill her before her sword falls:



^ That's one example of the trust theme I meant. Just one of many. It's when those around would think the main character crazy for still believing. Note that this is not misplaced trust. The loyalty here is born of a deep look into the soul and thus can be counted on.

Similar themes of "all is not what it seems / trust your heart" were played out in stories I actually wrote as a child, too. The two examples I'm giving were written before I ever discovered Michael Jackson, so bear that in mind. Around 10/11 years old we were supposed to write a story with a moral. As is the case with most stories I wrote (or read!) as a kid, there was way more going on in my head than what ended up on paper, but if I remember it correctly it was supposed to go like this:

A big, scary dragon lived in a cave just outside of town. Everyone was terrified of him. All manner of wild tales were told, of fire-breathing, torture and certain death. Knights were sent out to slay the dragon regularly, but didn't succeed. Someone (a knight? a child? I don't remember, but let's call him Sam for now) ended up near the cave and sure enough, there was fire-breathing! (But you'd breathe fire too if some yayhoo came to kill you.) Sam, like the others, eventually chickened out and ran away in terror, but not so far that he didn't hear the dragon sobbing in its cave moments later. Curiosity overcoming fear and Sam snuck back to the cave and finally asked him, "Why are you crying?" To his surprise, the dragon turned out not to be such a monster after all, but a sensitive, lonely magical creature, doomed to a life of ostracism and bad press, just for being himself. People just don't understand dragons, you know. The two of them sat around and chatted, becoming friends, and eventually Sam devised a plan to introduce his friend to the people of the town, to show them who this dragon really was. The people, however, wouldn't listen. They screamed and ran and threw stones and shot arrows, like usual. A dragon, it seems, simply was a monster to them. Period. Sam and his friend ended up having to leave the kingdom altogether to find their shared destiny elsewhere, in a land far, far away. (I guess this complicated moral is what earned me less than an A, lol? It was too much like real life, instead of the nice story of reconciliation and acceptance that we all want to hear.)

The next school year, when I was 11/12, one of my creative writing projects got published in our city's newspaper via a 6th grade writing contest. We had to choose a photo and write a short five or so page story about it. I chose a picture of an old tin-roofed mill beside a still pond. It went basically like this:

Jane is a girl of the my age at the time. She lives on a farm and likes to explore the countryside during the summer. Being a tomboy, she manages just fine on her own. One day she winds up all the way out by the pond and mill, where she's not really supposed to go. She walks around the water's edge to the mill and decides to take a break in the grass nearby and ends up watching the clouds and drifting off to sleep. She awakens when it's already too dark to see well enough to get all the way home. It begins raining. She sneaks into the mill for shelter. It's dark and dank inside and she's in for a real shock: there's a man staying in the abandoned mill! Initially she is startled and tries to run away, but then decides he seems alright. She learns that his name is Max and that he's a total drop-out from society. He had a great job in the big city, but found it all unfulfilling. He's a dreamer and an artist, seeing so much more in the world around him than others do. He goes from place to place with nothing but a rucksack and some charm, sleeping wherever he ends up for the night. Jane and Max stay up late talking, while he shares with her some of his food. He tells her about the hidden wonders around her that others have forgotten, like the rhythm that the rain beats on the metal roof as it falls, or the way the sunlight reflects in the dew-laden air at dawn. He opens her eyes and imagination to the magic within nature and tells her never to lose that, not to let society take away that childlike innocence in pursuit of adulthood. Eventually she drifts off to sleep and awakens early in the morning to find that Max is gone, away on another adventure in a new place. She realizes her parents are probably worried sick (you think?! - and hey, why didn't Max stay to make sure she got home safely? Oh wait... I was just 11, nevermind...), but she stops in time to see the mist over the lake glowing pink in the sunrise, beautiful and wondrous, just like Max said it would be. She vows to never forget him or his wisdom and runs on home, never to even tell the story of Max to her parents. (Smart enough, I suspect, to not give them a heartattack with the knowledge that their 11 year old daughter spent the night in a dangerous, delapidated building with a questionable adult male hippie transient, lol.)

Again, all three examples here pre-date my discovery of Michael in 1984, but I'm guessing those who would actually read this blog probably saw some parallels right away, such as: 1) trusting someone said to be an untrustworthy destroyer of innocence, because you know their heart, 2) the "monster" turns out not to be a bad guy after all, but instead is a misunderstood friend who just wants to be loved (ok, he does breathe fire sometimes, but he's a dragon - nobody's 'perfect'), 3) sometimes the rumors aren't true!, 4) and sometimes people want to believe the rumors anyway, no matter what you tell them, 5) you can't necessarily convert the ignorant ones to the light of truth, 6) your home kingdom may be filled with sensationalized BS about you, causing you to seek refuge elsewhere, but nevertheless you may find a friend or two close by, 7) the archetype of the magical teacher who comes into your life, opens your eyes to wonders, and is once again leaves, while you are forever thankful for the transformation, 8) adulthood can suck the life out of you, but it doesn't have to - you have a choice to retain something of the child within if you exercise the faculties of wonder and appreciation, 9) sometimes you have to go outside the ordinary to find your destiny, 10) those around you might not be so understanding about a kid forming a special connection with an adult outside the family.

And this leads to my theory in a roundabout sort of way. I realize all these things are classical dilemmas, archetypes, elements of myths and stories retold for ages. Yes, all true, but it's the particular draw and fact that I wrote those two stories at a young age that intrigues me. These are just scratching the surface of this subject, but what if we're drawn to issues that we have chosen to confont in this lifetime? What if a blueprint or outline of our life, a divine plan we helped create for ourselves before we were born, pulls at our psyche from birth? What if we have specific lessons to learn, special jobs to do, great dramas to play our part in and we know this at a deep level and thus bring those things up to confront over and over, as if to prepare ourselves for what's to come? Human beings are always looking for dangers around us, running scenarios to find solutions for escape, but what if there are primary issues at a soul level that echo through us years beforehand? Could someone be destined to save someone from a burning home when they're 40 and afterwards be stunned about it, because all their life they'd had this weird feeling about fire, dreams of a person trapped in a fire, etc? One could argue they were braver in the face of this danger because of their draw to the topic, but couldn't it be possible that they were drawn to the topic to prepare for this event?

Or is it just a self-fulfilling prophecy? How would we know? Maybe sometimes? But I don't think it's self-fulfilling that I wrote stories before even knowing who Michael was (in 1982 to 1984 - when the world LOVED him) about a misunderstood dragon hated in his own land because of false assumptions and rumors, that "I", the human in the story befriends, or of straying from the typical path and ending up sharing a secret connection with a man who is a magical teacher, showing me the wonders of remaining childlike and looking for beauty. Actually, this kind of blows my mind. It sounds too 'good' to be true, but it's really the tip of the iceberg. A giant one it's taken years to realize is even there. But I'm not writing this post today to try to convince anyone of anything. If that were so, I'm guessing I'd have done a pretty poor job by this point, lol. I'm just thinking out loud, really. So what about you? Do you find similar things in your life?

"My friend, my someone in the dark, was you..."

"This has cosmic significance!"

I've decided today to post this dream I had over a year ago, back on April 28, 2010 in case some of you friendy types hadn't read it before :) I made the pic below back at the time, in an attempt to give an impression of what it was like. I've had other experiences with 'the Light', but none that visually involved Michael in this fashion. (Click pic for larger version.)

April 28, 2010, as originally written that day - "I woke up after sleeping for a couple of hours and was having an AMAZING dream of Michael. It involved the whole sky somehow, but like everything was inside a giant picture frame. What I can remember was there was a massively bright, brilliant white light shining out, like pure white light being refracted through diamonds, yet not being split into colors (just stayed white). Standing in front of this light source was Michael. He was glowing with light, in the light. On both sides and all around him were huge crowds; fans, friends, whomever. All these people were standing beside him in this overwhelming light that streamed out love. And I was part of it all. I was part of this amazing scene that was like some glorious living painting. And I could FEEL it. I woke up during this part and I could still 'see' this scene in my mind and I could still FEEL it. OMG! I mean I was already awake and I could still see and feel it! It was this amazing powerful feeling of connection and oneness with Michael, with all of the others, with everything. We were all ONE. It was such an intense feeling, totally real and just transcendent. I thought as I woke up, 'This has COSMIC significance! I cannot forget!' The 'cosmic' comment had to do with the light and with the fact that Michael was in front of it, glowing. It was like seeing some religious painting or something, honestly, but being IN it at the same time! It was just... WOW. And I lay there awake then, no longer seeing this image, but FEELING it still for probably two more minutes or so. FEELING the light while awake! Whoa. I thought about all of you [friends on a forum], because I knew you were also part of the connection." -- This picture is made to represent it, although, as you can figure, it cannot possibly come minutely close to the brilliance of the 'dream'."
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It may sound silly, but at the time I was so focused on the implications of it being Michael standing there in the center of this white light that I didn't realize the obvious similarity to Near Death Experiences, of going Home, of being with God in the Light. It wasn't until a few months later when I heard an excerpt of an NDE from Pim van Lommel's book "Consciousness Beyond Life" read on the radio program Coast to Coast AM that it finally clicked. It took the words "sitting in the middle of a light bulb" and "I knew that I was somehow, in some way connected to them" before it became clear (see vid):

August book recommendations (pt 1)

As some of you may know, I got myself an Amazon Kindle for my birthday this year. I was a bit reticent about it at first for various reasons, but now I am addicted to it, oh my word, lol. It comes with me everywhere. And I've READ so much more in the past months than I used to! :) I admit I rarely read fiction outside of Harry Potter, but here are some books I've loved recently:

Bridge to Terabithia (by Katherine Paterson) - Yes, this is a children's book. I first read it in about 4th or 5th grade and loved it, so I thought I'd re-read it as an adult just for curiosity. If you've seen the film from a couple of years ago, it's nothing next to the book (sorry). As a child this book was so magical, the king and queen of their own secret world in the forest, and the Sacred Grove, a place where "Even the rulers of Terabithia come into it only at times of the greatest sorrow or of greatest joy". How can you not love it? And once again it became obvious that when we read or hear stories as children we add so much with our imagination! A 150 page book becomes an epic novel in our minds! Our inner world fills in all the gaps, elaborates and fantasizes. It's really amazing. The end of this book is so sad, though. I sat here with tears running down my face at 5am, of course reminded of June 25th. Jess is left with a familiar situation: "She wasn't there, so he must go for both of them. It was up to him to pay back to the world in beauty and caring what Leslie had loaned him in vision and strength"...

Evidence of the Afterlife: The Science of Near-Death Experiences (by Paul Perry and Jeffrey Long) - This is one I highly recommend, although even more than this book I'd recommend reading some of the thousands of full accounts of NDEs on the website Jeffrey founded over ten years ago, nderf.org (try "exceptional accounts" first, then check out the constantly updated monthly and yearly archives). We've all heard of NDE's and have the general concept down, like being out of body, a tunnel, a bright light, but if you haven't really studied them, you have no idea what you're missing out on. Nooooo idea. Books (and this one is again, highly recommended on the topic, as is Pim van Lommel's book "Consciousness Beyond Life") can give you wonderful information and an idea of just how these are researched by serious scientists and doctors, but they only give you a limited number of accounts or short excerpts to illustrate points. In other words, to really have a sense of what it's about, read the science AND the actual accounts. And not just a few. Read hundreds. Read thousands. You will be amazed, I promise.

Saving Jesus from the Church: How to Stop Worshiping Christ & Start Following Jesus (by Robin R. Meyers) I loved this book! This is a must-read! First, I am not a follower of any particular religion, so don't think I'm trying to push one on you. ;) I believe that religion is manmade, often divinely inspired, but misses the mark entirely when it's corrupted into "my God is the real one and ya'll are going to Hell!" We are ONE and there are many mansions, many pathways to God. Reverend Meyers seems to understand this, while still maintaining his Christian faith. He's made a good study of scholarly Jesus material (another topic that's very interesting, especially now) and is encouraging those who declare themselves Christians to wake up and follow the man they say they believe in. Jesus wasn't about hate and categorizing and tromping on the poor with a belief in some kind of Heaven-sanctioned material wealth parade. Meyers points out that for those in Jesus' time, "the call of God was not propositional. It was experiential." They experienced the man! They were there when early followers grappled with the implications of their messiah figure's sudden death and what to make of it. They were the ones who were left to discuss and theorize and grasp for explanations. Their ideas were the basis for the formation of a new sect of Judaism that grew over the next few decades, leading up to the writing of the Gospels. Christ-centered living wasn't a mere concept with centuries of built-up dogma, turned into a power structure with little left of its origins. It wasn't something that happened 2,000 years ago in a different world. These people were the "timely born" ones and they witnessed divinity in the flesh, not as a far-removed creed to recite in order to be "saved". Meyers writes, "Today, worshipers of Christ agree to believe things about him in order to receive benefits promised by the institution, not by Jesus." So true! This is a call to action, to real discipleship, to walk the walk. It's actually very inspiring, no matter what your belief system. And you'll find out some things you may not have known about the historical Jesus on the way. And many of the things could remind you of other events and people you may be holding in your mind and heart ... (... I'll just leave it at that for now, ahem...)

I read a lot of books, so stay tuned for August pt 2, lol. I didn't include MJ-themed books because they deserve posts of their own :)

Open Your Heart

Empty your hearts of any fear,
I am with you, I am here,
I knew you all before time began,
In primordial stars together we swam,
Never separate, never apart,
I feel your love, I know your heart,
I know your grief, your doubts
and frustration,
I feel your joy, as I'm
drenched by elation,
Magnified to infinity,
You've given me bliss in eternity,
Never feel alone, my dears,
Open your heart and drop your fears,
Let me pour this love into you,
Fill your soul and merge from two,
To make you smile, to make you feel
You're mine, each one. Yes, this is real.

~ June 14, 2011 ♥

First Post, New Blog

I've written much these last two years. And mean much, lol. There are forums full and enough Facebook craziness to fill eons of time. Then there are all the mountains of things I have never written. I've always sucked as a penpal and failed as a journal bunny. And there was so much that could have been written, but it seemed more therapeutic to me to go through it all while pacing my living room at 3am, headphones on ears, tears on cheeks. Oh, all those nights - the long, long nights after June 25, 2009 - for months on end, in which the loss of Michael from this physical world left me shredded, destroyed, attempting to reconstruct every atom of my being from the inside out. I was "lucky" in the sense that I didn't have a "normal job" at the time and could mourn from the depths of my being, which would be a severely understated way to put it. If I'd have had a job I guarantee I'd have been fired. It was doing good just to stay alive and keep breathing day to day without the beautiful man who'd somehow been my oxygen for all these years. I could never explain to anyone who doesn't get it just how much I LOVE Michael Jackson... since I first discovered him in the 80's until forever. He is deeper in my heart than my own DNA, deeper in my soul than ... I don't know what or who, how or why. He just is. And he continues. He is forever, not just in my heart, in your heart and through this world, but for those of you who know... absolutely, without a shadow a doubt in the next. Bless you, my beautiful Love, Michael. I'm yours, forever and always.

Let the blog begin...