A Quarter of a Century Bereft

This month it will be 25 years. Twenty-five years since I've seen you. I'm feeling so sad today. You know how it just rebounds out of the blue and I find myself whining to you all night with tears streaking down my whiny face? Yeah. God knows all about this too. I frequently cry to Her about how much I love you. Luckily, She has the patience of a supreme deity. I hope you have some of it too, creepy-religious photoshops aside.

Despite this fire in my soul, in my quarter century personally bereft of your physical presence, something always intervened and kept me so far from you. Especially back in 2009 I wracked my brain trying to find my mistake ... what could I have done differently to have seen you again?! Conclusion: all things examined, not much, really. Not unless my life had been steered into another direction years earlier. Or, later... if you'd stayed.

Please know, Michael, this level of whining only applies to you. It could only apply to you. You... the pinnacle of all wishes upon all stars. You... the height of my heart's desire. You... in whose glance lay the supreme resolution to a boundless love. And me... left with only the merest hope of an oft-imagined, and heard by you, tearful confession over the din of a crowd: "I LOVE YOU, MICHAEL!"

But even that was not to be.

I'm glad I believe we're Spirit, or how could I go on? So I seemingly chose this? I chose to love you (you! you!) so incomprehensibly much that I've broken apart into a billion pieces time and time again, with your joy, with your pain, with mine, nearly insane... inexplicably bound by the cosmically oceanic depth of a connection I feel, deemed crazy by most of the world, yet more real than all of it?

So am I some kind of spiritual masochist then? Damn. I'm only half joking. But seriously, is this torture meant to force me out of attachment? You know, like the thumbscrews come off when one learns to let go of you? Or is this to give me the impetus to live in a state of loving devotion, i.e. not letting go... this time by choice, instead of in fear of recrimination by other-worldly forces (i.e. "love me or you'll go to Hell" - that sort of thing)? Life is so cryptic sometimes.

When I ask you, it's all about love.

Oh Beloved, forgive my begging, my whining, my incessant calls. I mean, unless you want it ... then by all means, come kiss me before I start crying again. Open my heart a little wider. Mmmm. You do it so well.

Alas, what joy there will be upon ascension ...
if my destination is your embrace.

~ DM ♥ March 1, 2013

Change Me, Michael: The 'Heal the World' Epiphany

Maybe I'm weird (ok, that's a given), but when I was younger, like teens into twenties, I read a lot of spiritually-oriented books and yearned for the one mystical spiritual teacher to appear. You know, some guru figure who knew the answer, whom I could trust and love and feel comfortable with and actually listen to. See, that was the main problem... I've always been far too independent to surrender to guidance, so the yearning was somehow a moot point. No matter what anyone would say, no matter what was written in a book, I would always reply with, "Yeah, but says who? How do I know that's really the truth?" There is value in most anything, and wonderful pearls of wisdom hidden all around us, but it wasn't until I was much older that my Teacher finally appeared ... and I realized then that he'd been with me my whole life...

This is one part of the story: 

The 'Heal the World' Epiphany of 1992

As a child I decided I wanted to be a minister when I grew up. I never explained to anyone why. I couldn't have articulated it if I'd tried. There were experiences, deep experiences, with Christ and the Light in which I understood something about forgiveness and love. I believed that if only the world could know what I knew, we'd all stop killing and torturing each other. I thought that someday I would understand how to share that with others, but for the time being, junior high loomed large on the horizon. Yikes. Having fought like crazy to be 'tough' and 'strong' and never to let anyone see me cry, heck if I was going to show anything 'soft' or 'compassionate' as a teenager. It all sort of lay on the back burner, simmering quietly, nearly forgotten, evaporating as the harsh world closed in all around me. What had I been thinking, really?!

One day in what I believe must've been late 1991/ early 1992, when I was in my early 20's, I was driving to work and got stopped at a light. I remember this all distinctly. Well, I remember everything except what music was playing, and there was always music playing in my car. Given what happened next, one can assume it was the 'Dangerous' album!

As I sat there in my car, I found myself looking out at all the people sitting behind the wheel. I was on a hill, so I could see many cars off into the distance, all with people... with souls... with beautiful shining souls who don't realize they are made of love! Oh my God, I thought, I love them! I love them all! This wave of love poured out of me. I honestly cared for each and every one of them. I saw their humanity and their spirit and I knew they struggled like me to live in this world of materialistic views, ego, violence and pain. I could feel the connection of us all, all one, all part of God, all precious. It was the whole world and I was realizing with my soul that I truly loved all these people that just five minutes ago were pissing me off because they were driving too slow, lol! It all melted away for this astounding moment that my heart had opened to the world. Wowwwwwwwww....

And I was HORRIFIED!!!!

This wasn't me! What in all heck was going on???! Yes, all this love, love, mushy love stuff was all great and fine for other people, but it was NOT me! I had fought long and hard to keep those walls up, and I thought I'd succeeded quite well. Whatever was going on was truly CONFUSING. It felt like I'd just gone crazy and channeled a hippie, lol. You have no idea. This wasn't some epiphany brought about by pain or catastrophe. This was just a normal day. And although I realized that I "should" feel this to be a good person, I didn't WANT to feel this! It was so much easier to NOT care and to just play along with general apathy! It was so much easier to push away the tears, to turn away from all the suffering masses and not to be vulnerable enough to FEEL. It was like finally having learned how to get along in the world and having the world pulled out from under your feet... whooosh! Start over! And start over with all that cheesy, corny, gooey stuff you cringe at: Love, holding hands, "Cumbayá" and all else that was just somehow uncool.

"That's it!", I said outloud to myself, "I've been listening to Heal the World too many damn times!!!!!"

Yes, it must've been playing, because I think I reached for the buttons on my car stereo, lol. I quickly regained my equilibrium as the light turned green, but I can tell you that I was never truly the same again. Nope. Never. It was an opening of the heart chakra. Oh sure, I fought against it for years, and even now I sometimes struggle to get "I love you" out of my mouth, but once that tiny beam of light penetrates the false darkness we try to protect our tender selves with, the hard outer shell is doomed. It cannot and will not last. You can fight it all you want, but eventually that light will grow. Resistance is futile. It may wear down over the years, or it may take a tragedy to burst the dam, but the TRUTH indeed runs marathons. And the TRUTH is found in the one word that my dear Teacher, my Guru, my beautiful Michael gave me over and over again: LOVE.

Yes, cheesy, corny, mushy, gooey, but all too real and deep and true and sometimes painful... LOVE. You hear it a million times. A million times it can go in one ear and out the other, but someday the RIGHT person will say it (or sing it?) and it will stick. You won't get it out of you, because it IS you. And what a revelation to realize that this person has been saying it to you your whole silly life. Duhhhhh. Who was that mystical teacher who'd appear when the student was ready? When was I ready? When he first spoke that word to me? Or when I finally saw him for the utter and complete sculptor of my soul that he is? Or maybe it began eons ago, heck. I just know that the one I searched for was right before my eyes, as close as my own heart, and infused into my DNA where he worked his magic from within. And I love him. Oh, I love him. Forever and a day.

Thank you for 'Heal the World', Michael. I ADORE it! In 2009 someone asked which MJ song I'd bring along to a desert island if I could only choose one. And I chose this one. God bless you.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmDwb3u7QzU

I have become one with your tapestry...

♥ Tapestry ♥

I am your work, inextricably bound,
I have become one with your tapestry,
Your golden thread informed the design,
And my life has been sewn to yours...
Melded...
One...

I've been entwined, circled and spun,
Wrapped in the tendrils of you,
As a baby in innocent wonder
Coils her fingers around your curls...
Around...
Between...

And all the while the loom in rhythm,
Weaving, shaping, winding my fate,
Infinite helix, infused DNA,
Spiritual spirals that beckon my heart...
Closer...
Deeper...

The Master Weaver had fixed the first stitch,
I was pulled inside, untangled, untied,
Moving in pattern, in shape, in flow,
He had handed the plan to you...
Creating...
Becoming...

Guiding formation, the spirit within,
Unseen hands, both artful, precise,
Eternal, these threads, in space and time,
In the endless fabric of love...
Transforming...
Inheriting...

Your heart is woven throughout my own,
Every moment of you changes me,
Every thought, every movement you've ever made,
I have borne in my body and soul...
Enmeshed...
Communed...

I am your work, inextricably bound,
I have become one with your tapestry,
Your golden thread informed the design,
And my life has been sewn to yours...

What story do we tell...?

_______________________  _______________________
"Tapestry" © April 29, 2012 by D.M. 
~ All Rights Reserved

Gnosis and the Angel

"Who are you, Michael? Who am I? What is this connection?" These questions had been running through my mind again, but the words had special weight this day. I closed my eyes, seeking knowledge within, deeper than my subconscious that I sometimes mistrust. Who can I ask? Who would know? Who have I not spoken to yet? Hmmm. I let my mind drift...

I suddenly found myself in a lush valley that only faded from sight in the distance due to a thick, misty fog, but that one could assume may go on forever. Within this green expanse stood mountains, impossibly high, impossibly narrow, rising straight up from the valley below and far into the sky. Cones of granite, reminiscent of the floating mountains of southern China, dotted the landscape as if rocky cathedral spires had grown straight from the ground to Heaven. It was simply breathtaking!

One mountain in particular stood out to me. Waterfalls and cascading bouquets of delicate blossoms dotted the steep ascent. At the very top I could see a single tree, emitting its own light, almost pulsing it, beckoning the seeker. At the very moment I wondered how on Earth I would climb this vertical wall of rock, I found myself standing at the top of it, above the mist, in the brightest sunshine. Before me was the tree, its light glowing from within its very leaves. It seemed to be tended by a beautiful, tenuous female spirit who also emitted a white light, sparkling with flecks of gold.

"Ah, this is the Tree of Knowledge," I said out loud, more to myself than anyone.

"You are seeking knowledge. Yes, this is the place," spoke the gleaming spirit in a voice like tinkling chimes.

"Are you the Tree's caretaker?" I inquired.

"The Tree and I are One."

With that she changed form before my eyes, into glowing plasma, moving as a liquid into the tree in a wave of light and re-forming next to it as before. I understood that she is the spirit of the Tree of Knowledge. She is Gnosis itself.

Again I heard her voice, "Ask."

For a moment I feared my questions would be limited, like from the genie who will only give three wishes. It was quickly explained to me that there are never limits on knowledge to those who seek it sincerely and have achieved the ability to understand what is given. This eased my mind greatly and I asked my first question, careful to specifiy that I was referring to spirit, not physical lives.

"Who is Michael Jackson?"

A dark, silvery reflective "screen" formed in the air before me and the word "ANGEL" appeared on it. (Or rather in it. This wasn't flat, but multi-dimensional.) I questioned this word. Was I making it up? Did it mean literally an angel or just metaphorically? The letters dissipated and reformed again. ANGEL. And then in rapid succession I saw, heard and understood what will probably take paragraphs to write.

I witnessed Michael's true form, as I'd seen before, but this time magnified with infinite awe: the most intense, glittering, gorgeous white light, like millions of diamonds reflecting the Light of God in all directions. I saw my own spirit's light, similar, yet slightly different. It was ... smaller, for lack of a better word. By this I don't mean "lesser", as implying less value, but contained in a smaller vessel perhaps? If I was the moon, he was the sun! And oh, what a sun! I wondered what this meant in relation to the term "angel". What is an angel, anyway? And why did we appear to be different? I've never believed in angels as a separate creation, really. And if they do exist, angels don't incarnate as humans, do they?

Next I witnessed part of the creation of all beings in our universe, to show me more about this perceived difference. I say part of creation, because it was one moment and possibly a symbolic representation rather than the documentary version. God, The Light, was differentiating into individual points of consciousness. Not all of God became "other", but I'm not privy to the percentages. I could see light coalescing into beings like evolving nebulae in deep space. Untold numbers of little light beings appeared in all directions, baby stars in God's universal nursery. This partially answered my second question: "Who am I?" I am one of these, existing since the very beginning of time as me, yet for eternity before. I am a soul, a spirit, a part of God, as are you, as is the Earth, as is every atom of every molecule in existence. There is nothing else but The Light. I Am.

Within the vastness of space, amidst these infant souls, I saw other beings that had been made from greater proportions of Light. They were larger than the others. One might say they were made from more of God, but know right away that this is no way implies greater worth! God exists as ALL of Himself/Herself. There can be no part missing. There is no part missing. It is an impossibility. If you take one part hydrogen out of water, it is no longer water. Every atom must be. And God is the hydrogen and the oxygen and the force that spins the electrons and the Love behind the subatomic particles below the force which holds together the energy that we have not yet even discovered! And every particle, every photon, every speck of the ethereal, the astral and the material is part of that Love.

The larger collections of Light consciousness were shown to be what we would call "angels". Their full purpose was not made known to me, but part of it is in the care of us, these fledgling souls. Particular angels seemed to have more interaction with or exhibit greater significance to the souls. Among these was our Michael. (I only call him by this earthly moniker because I am not aware of his true name. Gnosis attempted to tell me, but it was as if my human ears could not understand the sound at this time.)

I wondered aloud if these angels such as Michael were what we'd term "archangels". Yes, was the answer. Sort of. The next question seemed obvious, but to my surprise I was NOT told that he was "Archangel Michael" as some people may believe. Instead I was told that there are MANY such angels that we would give this type of "silly" title to (silly to them because they have no concern for such things), and they often work in groups that may be experienced as "Gabriel", "Raphael", "Michael", and so on. I don't wish to conflict with anyone's religious convictions, so please take this however you might. I am not sure what to believe. I found this all interesting.

If Michael is indeed an ANGEL and I'm a SOUL, I thought, then what is this special connection I feel with HIM and not another?

"You are one of his," answered the Tree of Knowledge, implying I was in his charge. Loved by him. His.

I admit to feeling rather dubious at this point. Thoughts whirled around inside me, wondering how and why an angel would incarnate in the flesh (is that even possible?) and the continuing conflict inside me that seeks to reconcile my feeling for Michael as both human and divine. One moment I've been creating artwork of him as a saint, the next defending myself to invisible critics who would accuse me of taking away his humanity by creating such icons. I have loved him deeply for nearly 30 years (or forever?) and am well aware of this topic. I felt myself fearing that to believe he is an angel would be to ignore his vulnerabilities in life, the very human, fragile beauty of him, and the equality and joy of knowing he and I and all of us are alike; humans striving together for betterment despite adversity. I could not and will not strip him of the dignity of frailty, the fragility of our quests to be loved and of the depth of the pain endured. Would being an angel place him on a pedestal? What would that mean?

"Do angels actually incarnate in the flesh?" I asked.

Gnosis replied, "Not usually, but some have. The one you call Michael is one such exception."

I laughed at this, "Of course he is! Has he done this before?"

"He has chosen to walk beside you and learn all he can about those he has cradled in his arms. His recent incarnation was a very special mission, as you know," she answered.

I was flooded with concepts of Christ that whizzed past my brain and seemed not quite right, and ideas of angels and saviors and none seemed quite right. It is not that complicated, the Tree said. "You remember. It is simple."

And what I remembered, if one would call it that, was indeed simple. The world needs more light in this continuing longterm evolution and my beautiful Beloved was simply here to help, just like anyone. And an angel incarnating in flesh becomes human at the moment of descent. If you (soul, angel or whatever else I am unaware of to label) are incarnated as human, you will bleed and hurt and desire and laugh and cry and love through this human existence as long as you stay. It could be no other way.

"Do we evolve into angels too?" I asked, "Will we ever hold that much light ourselves?"

I was filled from the outside with such a light-hearted giggle, as if this was an amusing question to my companion and my mind saw a great many highly evolved souls in angelic realms and "even higher!", as she stated. Of course we could "fly with the angels". We have and we will. We will not become them, for we are structured differently. If we are the moon, they are the sun. But there is no worry. Celestial Light is God. We feel together, learn together. We are One. And we are forever.

At this I opened my eyes, still human, still unsure, the scene on the mountaintop fading into the delicate realm of doubt that exists somewhere between logic and intuition, between human and divine. Seeking union, seeking understanding, seeking that which I already have, with whom I already have it.

~ A story based on a meditation, © February 20, 2012 by D.M.

In Praise of "Captain EO" 25 Years Later

On this date, September 12, 1986, 'Captain EO' opened at Disneyland! Yes, it's kind of cheesy (meant adoringly), and yes, Michael's uniform kind of looks like it's decorated with Jolly Rancher candies, lol, but you know what else? 'Captain EO' is Disney and it's Michael Jackson and it's amazing dancing and excellent music... and it rules. To fully appreciate this date 25 years ago, let's not only marvel at it's amazingness and at how art so wonderfully imitated life's deeper spiritual truths, but let's put it into the context of the times...

Two years earlier Michael Jackson was on top of the game in a way that no one else had ever been. He won a record 8 Grammy Awards, the American Music Awards were basically an MJ tribute show, his name was put into the Guinness Book of World Records at a special ceremony in New York when 'Thriller' became the biggest selling album in history, he received an award at the White House and a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. There was the Victory Tour that summer, Pepsi commercials on TV, you couldn't go anywhere without Michael Jackson. Ubiquitous is an understatement. Heck, I even bought my 'Human Nature' folder (pictured below) in a tiny, itty, bitty grocery store in Kansas that summer. Michael was everywhere. It was a lovely time (for a fan, lol - for others it was total "overexposure" ;)!

Flash forward, though, and it gets quiet in MJ world. There was "We Are the World" and Madame Tussaud's in 1985 and a brief appearance at the 1986 Grammy's, but otherwise it was kind of a lonely time for those of us recovering from the joyous onslaught of 'Thriller' days. It seemed so horribly lonely without the world celebrating Michael's every move. The high point between early '85 and the release of 'Bad' over two years later (two years = eternity when you're a kid ;) was the exciting news about 'Captain EO'! There was a "making of" special on the Disney Channel, a primetime special on network TV in September ... it was so exciting! Ah, beautiful Michael dancing in something we hadn't seen before, beautiful Michael singing two (!!!!) new songs we hadn't heard before! Oh happy-happy, joy-joy!!! I'm not trying to be melodramatic when I say that 'Captain EO' was such a bright spot in my life at the time, even though I had no idea when or if I would ever see it...



We didn't have a VCR back then, so I recorded the "making of" special on audio cassette (roflol) and adored those precious clips of "We Are Here to Change the World", "Another Part of Me" and some of the dialogue (which I memorized so perfectly that my sister swore I sounded exactly like MJ, hehe. "Very beautiful within, your Highness, but without a key to unlock it. And that is my gift to you." :))) And remember that we didn't know if we'd ever get those two songs in their entirety or not, so those poor audio quality clips were like gold! And I spent the next months wishing on the first evening star (a la Disney!) that somehow the universe would see fit to find me a way to Disneyland so that I could soak up every bit of MJ I could get. My family had never taken a vacation like that (we never went anywhere, geesh!), so the chances were virtually nil. Just nil. Until early that next year when a MIRACLE occurred... my dad had received a bonus or something and my parents decided to take us for a real vacation for once in our lives... to California... to Disneyland!!!!!! So yes, blessed miracles occur... I saw 'Captain EO' less than a year from its premiere date, against all odds. And more miracles may have been in store, for guess who else may have been there on my precious day????!!! YES!!!! But that, as they say, is a whole 'nother story! A-hee-hee! ;)

All these years later I think one of the most amazing things about this short film is how closely it represents a deeper spiritual reality. It's not a reality that most of the public can grasp, perhaps, but we know it. We knew it then and we know it now. And Michael knew it, too. We're on a mission in the everlasting light that shines... we are here to change the world... a small group that struggles to bring freedom to the worlds of despair, led by the beautiful Captain EO, ever deeper into love from that first moment of the music... into a love that awakens and transforms, brings out the beauty in all we see, brightens the world with its light, makes us dream, fills us with bliss. A love so major that all these many years later we're sending out a major love (see Major Love Prayer!) every month and really, with every heartbeat, for we are filled with it. "That is my gift to you." Indeed it is. Thank you, Captain ;) We are honored and humbled to be part of your crew. :Salute:! And to help us get into the spirit... "Wooooooooooo!!!!" Love you, Michael.





More info, dates, etc on Captain EO on Wikipedia. Here's the Making of:

Cosmic Drums and the Symphony of Love

"Deep inside I feel that this world we live in is really a big, huge, monumental symphonic orchestra. I believe that in its primordial form all of creation is sound and that it’s not just random sound, that it’s music. You’ve heard the expression, music of the spheres? Well, that’s a very literal phrase… I say: “Life songs of ages, throbbing in my blood, have danced the rhythm of the tide and flood.” This is a very literal statement, because the same new miracle intervals and biological rhythms that sound out the architecture of my DNA also govern the movement of the stars. The same music governs the rhythm of the seasons, the pulse of our heartbeats, the migration of birds, the ebb and flow of ocean tides, the cycles of growth, evolution and dissolution. It’s music, it’s rhythm." ~ Michael Jackson (Ebony magazine, 1992)

I was reminded of this quote (ok, and many others ;) from Michael when I ran across this article on CNN's website today about the literal drumbeats in sound made by the universe. It's fascinating. Cosmic Music from Dying Stars.

"There's no air in space to compress to ring against your ear...But it's important to realize the universe isn't a silent film, because space itself wobbles and rumbles like a drum in response to all of these things unfolding in the cosmos... If space itself is ringing and squeezing and stretching, your eardrums can resonate in response ... you could hear the sound of very dramatic events in the universe,"
~ Janna Levin, physics & astronomy professor at Barnard College

You can also watch 17 minutes of Levin's lecture (including an example of the estimated drum sound of the universe) on TED's website, also embedded below:

Mahler's 'Resurrection' and the Symphony of Love

I was watching a wonderful performance of Mahler's 'Resurrection' Symphony No. 2 on BBC Proms Sunday night. This seemed so fitting, since a friend of mine is working on a requiem at the moment. And some of Mahler's lyrics translated to English, ohhh, they just seemed to fit. Written in paragraph form are some of the lyrics from 01:16:50 onward in the video below:

You shall rise again. You shall rise again, my dust, after a brief sleep. Eternal life. He who called you shall grant you eternal life. Believe, my heart. Nothing will be lost to you. It is all yours! Yours, what you longed for. Yours, what you loved and strove for. Believe! You were not born in vain. You did not live and struggle in vain. All that is brought to life must pass away. What passes away must rise again. Cease your trembling, prepare yourself, prepare for life. All-penetrating sorrow, I have broken free from you. All-destroying death, now you are conquered. On the wings I have gained I shall soar with ardent love into the light that no eye has seen! I shall die to find life. You shall rise again. Yes, you shall rise again, my heart, in an instant! What you have overcome shall bring you to God.

And so... do you ever have one of those days when seemingly profound ideas bounce around your head with depth of understanding that quickly fades into a twilight of oblivion before you can formulate it coherently? Yeah. This was one of those days and yes, most of it slipped far, far away, lol. I just know that at some point I was watching each member of the orchestra, at times all playing vigorously together, bows rising and falling frantically into the air, all horns blowing, flutists' fingers rapidly moving across the silver keys, lips pursed ... and then... a calm befell Royal Albert Hall. Some instruments were lowered. Only two of the three french horns in use, the third lying in wait. Half the bows with their accompanying violins and cellos sitting calmly, awaiting the moment they will once again be needed.

It became so clear why the "Symphony of Love" (aka "Symphony of Hearts" and "Symphony in the Key of Love", as comes up often in Jan's conversations with Michael) is not just a great metaphor, but exactly how life really is. Not life as humans would claim it to be, but as the Divine Plan deems it so.

It could be that the bass oboe is only needed for a few bars, or the timpani just for the finale, or the piccolo for the fleeting middle of the second movement. It could be that in order to make the symphony truly grand, fifteen violinists are needed, but only half play at once during much of the performance. That's how beautiful music is made! Sometimes it's your turn to shine, to play with all your might. Sometimes your neighbor is playing what you thought was your part, while you're supposed to sit it out and relax.

And while as a member of an orchestra you have the sheet music in front of you, in life it's awfully hard to see what's right in front of you, especially your own music. We keep looking over to the clarinets, thinking, "They're sure important right now! Maybe I should play the clarinet!" And some time later, "Wow, if only I had learned the trumpet I'd be at the top right now!" And later still, "Oh, the strings are so beautiful and I'm stuck with this stupid tuba!" Yet it becomes very clear as the music rises and falls that all are necessary, all are important. Sometimes the one with the "smallest" part makes an impact for just a few seconds that turns the mundane to pure heaven.

When we turn to look directly ahead and stop worrying about what everyone else is doing, we may notice the music stand sitting right in front of us. If we learn to focus and let outer distractions fall away, we may be able to see some of our own notes on the page before us. If we glance up from the orchestra floor and from what's right under our nose we may realize that a conductor is up there directing this entire symphony. She has the entire symphony orchestra before her! He knows all the parts and how they should fit together! She's aware of the slightest variation in pitch, when someone's out of tune, when the sound should be softer or when the intense staccato still isn't intense enough. He's holding us all together, helping us play our parts in perfect synchronicity. And not only that, if we pay attention to His direction we will play our part all the more magnificently, instead of randomly tooting our own horn at some inopportune time, lol. Once we begin to realize these things, we are able to glance back to the pages before us and at our individual notes, which will slowly become clearer.

We can't play all the parts or all the instruments, but what we do play is absolutely necessary for this crazy unending symphony, even when it feels like we're just one of 100 million violinsts blending into the background drone. Imagine the symphony without that soaring sound, though?! It could be that's exactly what you're supposed to be playing. In all honesty, this orchestra's tune is far too vast and too loud for human ears. To think you can hear the whole thing is to believe you can hear one harp in China... from the moon. You won't hear the whole thing while you're here, but it's being recorded for your later awe! So just pay attention to those little notes. Forget what the trombones are doing and look at your own music. Focus gently until your notes come into view, one page at a time. If you feel useless right now, focus until it's time once again to pick up your instrument and play your heart out.

At some point we may wonder if this conductor is also the composer. (I do, because I can't help but make everything complicated, lolol.) How was this divine music put together? I don't know. If you figure that out, please let me know... ;)

The Lotus in Michael's Hand

"The honey in the flower or lotus does not crave for bees; they do not plead with the bees to come. Since they have tasted the sweetness, they themselves search for the flowers and rush in. They come because of the attachment between themselves and sweetness." ~ Sri Sathya Sai Baba

"O God, my mind is fascinated with Thy lotus feet as the bumble-bee with the flower; night and day I thirst for them." ~ Guru Nanak

When the background picture for this blog was chosen, it was basically on a whim because I had no specific plans for what it all should look like. The chosen pic turned out to set up the entire color scheme and simply felt right. To me this particular photoshop represents Michael being shone down upon from the heavens (the shining light) as he channels this energy through his being (as he often talked about himself - of being merely the messenger, the means to deliver what was already created above) and it concentrates into the gift within his hand, the gift he is extending to us and to all who are willing to reach for it and accept it. (In this sense it is not just Michael per se, but all who play the role of guide.) What is that gift? Certainly not something easily defined. Aren't we all still grappling with these questions? It's something universal and yet very personal. The lotus itself to me represented the feeling of cosmic awakening, the invitation to look beyond and yet to go within where we are one, something sacred and existing of love, held out for the seeker, brought to us from God/Higher Selves by a special teacher who has opened our hearts. It's a very spiritual symbol, after all. Here's some more information below about lotus symbolism. Thought it all rather fitting:

• The holiest of flowers for Hindus, the beautiful lotus is symbolic of the true soul of an individual. It represents the being, which lives in turbid waters yet rises up and blossoms to the point of enlightenment. Mythologically speaking, lotus is also a symbol of creation, since Brahma, the creator came forth from the lotus that blooms from the navel of Vishnu. (1)

• Pink Lotus: This the supreme lotus, generally reserved for the highest deity. Thus naturally it is associated with the Great Buddha himself. ..."In esoteric Buddhism, the heart of the beings is like an unopened lotus: when the virtues of the Buddha develop therein, the lotus blossoms; that is why the Buddha sits on a lotus bloom." (2)

• Because they emerge from slime and corruption, then grow up through the purifying water to emerge into the sunlight, they are seen as metaphors for the development of the individual being towards enlightenment. That is, the flower stands for renunciation of the entanglements of samsara, and for the pure aspiration that is the desire for enlightenment for the sake of others. ... The "lotus" depicted in tomb paintings of ancient Egypt ...is also known as the "lily of the Nile." It is not a true lotus, but a blue water lily Nymphaea caerulea.(3)

• The lotus is the pre-eminent symbol in the non dual traditions. In Hinduism it is associated with the creation mythology featuring the gods Vishnu, Brahma, and Lakshmi as well as most other dieties. In Buddism, the Buddha and various dieties are portrayed seated on and/or holding lotuses. In Egyptian mythology the term has been misapplied to the water lily by translators of their hieroglyphics and in references to its motif in art and architecture.(4)

• It embodies the Buddhist ideas of transcendence, purity, and non-duality. In point, the lotus is the symbol of the absolute, sustaining the phenomenal world. ... In Tibetan Buddhist art, it is very common for images of Buddhas, Bodhisattvas, and other prominent figures to be depicted as resting upon an open Lotus flower. ... The Lotus also acts as a metaphoric guide to those who are engaged in ...the direction of realizing complete, unchastened enlightenment. ... The flower gracefully accepts the pool that it is placed in and shines beautifully in negation of circumstance. (5)

• Hindus revere it with the gods Vishnu, Brahma and to a lesser degree Kubera, and the goddesses Lakshmi and Sarasvati . Often used as an example of divine beauty and purity, Vishnu is often described as the 'Lotus-Eyed One'. ...Its unfolding petals suggest the expansion of the soul. The growth of its pure beauty from the mud of its origin holds a benign spiritual promise. ... The lotus in both Egypt and India symbolizes the union of the four elements; earth, air, fire, and water.... The growth of a new flower directly from the earth-bound original may be interpreted as a symbol of transcendence: a spiritual emergence of a higher world directly from our physical manifestation.(6)

"You are the wildflower in bloom, You are the Life-throb That pulsates, dances, From a speck of dust To the most distant star, And you and I Were never separate, It's just an illusion Wrought by the magical lens of Perception."
~ Michael Jackson ('Heaven is Here' / Dancing the Dream)

"I trust you... I'll always trust you."

Have you ever looked at your life and found that you've been drawn to particular themes and storylines, sometimes from a very young age, for seemingly no apparent reason? I'm not talking about the really basic ones like love or general heroics, but something more specific? If you're old enough to have had time to see things play out, perhaps you've even noticed that they strangely make sense later. I'll explain, if I can. Ever since 2009, I've had to rebuild myself from the complete devastation, one atom at a time, as many of you have. Part of this process finds me picking apart some of my childhood and looking at inner motivations and mysteries, while staying up all night babbling to myself, dancing around the living room with my mp3 player. In the process I've discovered (or rediscovered) things long forgotten. The particular ones I'm talking about right now (themes/stories) aren't necessarily something massive, and maybe it's just grasping at straws, but I have a sort of theory. I'll leave that for the end, though.

First, when I was a kid my favorite moments in movies and books were so often those that dealt with trust and loyalty, of steadfast honor and devotion when appearances or rumors may have indicated something suspicious. As an example, this clip below of a scene from the film "Legend" just pulled at my deepest within like crazy. I loved this scene, uh! And I always remembered the quote (this post's title). The story went like this: Lili ("Lily") was the pure, innocent princess who Jack trusted above all others and whom he wished to marry someday. However, when he showed her a beautiful secret (two unicorns in the forest), she reached out to pet one, not understanding that this was forbidden. The world soon turned to ice and everyone, including Jack and Lili, assumed it was due to this 'violation'. (However, it wasn't. She was actually innocent enough to touch one without repercussions.) Lili is then kidnapped by the 'dark lord', who tries to convert her to his side and make her his girl. It appears at one point that he has succeeded, as her appearance has changed dramatically and she is seemingly participating in a dark ritual ... sacrificing the last unicorn. If Lili does indeed cut the horn from its head, light will be extinguished from the world forever and evil will have triumphed. Jack believes he knows her heart and her soul, though, and he still trusts her. If he's wrong, the world ends. There's a lot at stake if Jack doesn't kill her before her sword falls:



^ That's one example of the trust theme I meant. Just one of many. It's when those around would think the main character crazy for still believing. Note that this is not misplaced trust. The loyalty here is born of a deep look into the soul and thus can be counted on.

Similar themes of "all is not what it seems / trust your heart" were played out in stories I actually wrote as a child, too. The two examples I'm giving were written before I ever discovered Michael Jackson, so bear that in mind. Around 10/11 years old we were supposed to write a story with a moral. As is the case with most stories I wrote (or read!) as a kid, there was way more going on in my head than what ended up on paper, but if I remember it correctly it was supposed to go like this:

A big, scary dragon lived in a cave just outside of town. Everyone was terrified of him. All manner of wild tales were told, of fire-breathing, torture and certain death. Knights were sent out to slay the dragon regularly, but didn't succeed. Someone (a knight? a child? I don't remember, but let's call him Sam for now) ended up near the cave and sure enough, there was fire-breathing! (But you'd breathe fire too if some yayhoo came to kill you.) Sam, like the others, eventually chickened out and ran away in terror, but not so far that he didn't hear the dragon sobbing in its cave moments later. Curiosity overcoming fear and Sam snuck back to the cave and finally asked him, "Why are you crying?" To his surprise, the dragon turned out not to be such a monster after all, but a sensitive, lonely magical creature, doomed to a life of ostracism and bad press, just for being himself. People just don't understand dragons, you know. The two of them sat around and chatted, becoming friends, and eventually Sam devised a plan to introduce his friend to the people of the town, to show them who this dragon really was. The people, however, wouldn't listen. They screamed and ran and threw stones and shot arrows, like usual. A dragon, it seems, simply was a monster to them. Period. Sam and his friend ended up having to leave the kingdom altogether to find their shared destiny elsewhere, in a land far, far away. (I guess this complicated moral is what earned me less than an A, lol? It was too much like real life, instead of the nice story of reconciliation and acceptance that we all want to hear.)

The next school year, when I was 11/12, one of my creative writing projects got published in our city's newspaper via a 6th grade writing contest. We had to choose a photo and write a short five or so page story about it. I chose a picture of an old tin-roofed mill beside a still pond. It went basically like this:

Jane is a girl of the my age at the time. She lives on a farm and likes to explore the countryside during the summer. Being a tomboy, she manages just fine on her own. One day she winds up all the way out by the pond and mill, where she's not really supposed to go. She walks around the water's edge to the mill and decides to take a break in the grass nearby and ends up watching the clouds and drifting off to sleep. She awakens when it's already too dark to see well enough to get all the way home. It begins raining. She sneaks into the mill for shelter. It's dark and dank inside and she's in for a real shock: there's a man staying in the abandoned mill! Initially she is startled and tries to run away, but then decides he seems alright. She learns that his name is Max and that he's a total drop-out from society. He had a great job in the big city, but found it all unfulfilling. He's a dreamer and an artist, seeing so much more in the world around him than others do. He goes from place to place with nothing but a rucksack and some charm, sleeping wherever he ends up for the night. Jane and Max stay up late talking, while he shares with her some of his food. He tells her about the hidden wonders around her that others have forgotten, like the rhythm that the rain beats on the metal roof as it falls, or the way the sunlight reflects in the dew-laden air at dawn. He opens her eyes and imagination to the magic within nature and tells her never to lose that, not to let society take away that childlike innocence in pursuit of adulthood. Eventually she drifts off to sleep and awakens early in the morning to find that Max is gone, away on another adventure in a new place. She realizes her parents are probably worried sick (you think?! - and hey, why didn't Max stay to make sure she got home safely? Oh wait... I was just 11, nevermind...), but she stops in time to see the mist over the lake glowing pink in the sunrise, beautiful and wondrous, just like Max said it would be. She vows to never forget him or his wisdom and runs on home, never to even tell the story of Max to her parents. (Smart enough, I suspect, to not give them a heartattack with the knowledge that their 11 year old daughter spent the night in a dangerous, delapidated building with a questionable adult male hippie transient, lol.)

Again, all three examples here pre-date my discovery of Michael in 1984, but I'm guessing those who would actually read this blog probably saw some parallels right away, such as: 1) trusting someone said to be an untrustworthy destroyer of innocence, because you know their heart, 2) the "monster" turns out not to be a bad guy after all, but instead is a misunderstood friend who just wants to be loved (ok, he does breathe fire sometimes, but he's a dragon - nobody's 'perfect'), 3) sometimes the rumors aren't true!, 4) and sometimes people want to believe the rumors anyway, no matter what you tell them, 5) you can't necessarily convert the ignorant ones to the light of truth, 6) your home kingdom may be filled with sensationalized BS about you, causing you to seek refuge elsewhere, but nevertheless you may find a friend or two close by, 7) the archetype of the magical teacher who comes into your life, opens your eyes to wonders, and is once again leaves, while you are forever thankful for the transformation, 8) adulthood can suck the life out of you, but it doesn't have to - you have a choice to retain something of the child within if you exercise the faculties of wonder and appreciation, 9) sometimes you have to go outside the ordinary to find your destiny, 10) those around you might not be so understanding about a kid forming a special connection with an adult outside the family.

And this leads to my theory in a roundabout sort of way. I realize all these things are classical dilemmas, archetypes, elements of myths and stories retold for ages. Yes, all true, but it's the particular draw and fact that I wrote those two stories at a young age that intrigues me. These are just scratching the surface of this subject, but what if we're drawn to issues that we have chosen to confont in this lifetime? What if a blueprint or outline of our life, a divine plan we helped create for ourselves before we were born, pulls at our psyche from birth? What if we have specific lessons to learn, special jobs to do, great dramas to play our part in and we know this at a deep level and thus bring those things up to confront over and over, as if to prepare ourselves for what's to come? Human beings are always looking for dangers around us, running scenarios to find solutions for escape, but what if there are primary issues at a soul level that echo through us years beforehand? Could someone be destined to save someone from a burning home when they're 40 and afterwards be stunned about it, because all their life they'd had this weird feeling about fire, dreams of a person trapped in a fire, etc? One could argue they were braver in the face of this danger because of their draw to the topic, but couldn't it be possible that they were drawn to the topic to prepare for this event?

Or is it just a self-fulfilling prophecy? How would we know? Maybe sometimes? But I don't think it's self-fulfilling that I wrote stories before even knowing who Michael was (in 1982 to 1984 - when the world LOVED him) about a misunderstood dragon hated in his own land because of false assumptions and rumors, that "I", the human in the story befriends, or of straying from the typical path and ending up sharing a secret connection with a man who is a magical teacher, showing me the wonders of remaining childlike and looking for beauty. Actually, this kind of blows my mind. It sounds too 'good' to be true, but it's really the tip of the iceberg. A giant one it's taken years to realize is even there. But I'm not writing this post today to try to convince anyone of anything. If that were so, I'm guessing I'd have done a pretty poor job by this point, lol. I'm just thinking out loud, really. So what about you? Do you find similar things in your life?

"My friend, my someone in the dark, was you..."