Happy Mother's Day, Beloved

[Note: Sorry I haven't finished the "Bad Tour" posts! I will, I promise. Just been busy!]

Michael, would it be too weird if I wished YOU a Happy Mother's Day as well? You're kind of like my "other mother" (but not in the creepy Coraline kinda way, lol). I didn't begin to realize this until after 2009. I had grown up with you, but I never thought of you as a parent figure. (Ahem, no.... wayyyy too many feeling crossed that line, ahem. ;) Plus, you're not quite old enough to be my dad, lol. However...

A couple of years ago I had a realization that I am actually one of your kids. I declared myself yours around my 12th birthday, after all. Although I thought of myself as nearly grown up (lol), twelve is still a child! When you felt for 'your babies' around the world, I used to be one of them. That was a nice thought. I love being yours.

And when I was scared and alone during a brief stay in a foster home, YOU were my salvation. I wasn't allowed to contact friends or family, but I had you in my heart. I remember lying in that bedroom, silently crying and reaching out to you in desperation, "Michael, I know you don't know me, but I'm only 13, a fan, and I'm in an awful mess right now. Can you hug me? I'm scared." And although some would say it's crazy, my other friends will know it's true... you were there. When I wanted to leave this planet some months later, again, it was you ... your words, your voice, that saved me. Was I seeking a friend? Or did I need a third parent in those moments? I'm understanding it was both.

And it's been you, in the more traditionally maternal role, who's been working on my ability to feel, be caring and to express love, compassion and affection all these years. I made a vow as a child that no one would ever see me cry. I used to be asked, through tears, "Don't you FEEL anything?! You're just so cold!" by more emotional types. (Thanks, Capricorn Moon. The answer is yes, of course, but I tend to freeze up.) But Michael ... geesh... you had me crying and emoting when there wasn't much to cry or emote about yet! Because of you and your emotional exuberance about E.T. The Extra Terrestrial, that was the first movie I allowed myself to publicly weep at when I saw it the first time during its theatrical re-release in '85. I let the story into my heart because in so doing I was communing with you! And we're not even going to talk about my shaking and crying my eyes out at the Bad concert a few years later, lol!

Through loving you, growing up with you, crying with you, becoming an adult with you, I've gone through so much, and directly because of YOUR encouragement (by just being who you are) I've learned that it's okay to feel and say "I love you". It's okay to say those things. It's okay to express it. In fact, we should! Even if it's still difficult for me, little by little the bricks crumble while you stand to the side like a parent, smiling at each little triumph. And when I've needed arms to hold me, you've so often been there, with the deepest comfort I've ever felt. You even made me a bowl of split-pea soup in a dream, lol. And then there was that past life (?) glimpse of being your baby, but I'll leave that for now.

In astrology, it's common to lose a parent during certain transits, like major planets on angles. The day you died I had that, plus a massive Pluto conjunct Moon transit had just begun. The moon, of course, represents the mother principle, and in my chart, the moon's ruler is conjunct the 4th house cusp, which also represents one's mother. These things showed the dangerous/likely possibility of losing a parent, particularly one's mother. And I did: YOU. Right in cosmic timing. (*Knocks strongly on wood and prays for the other two*, whose influence I'm not trying to downplay.) This is probably one reason the mourning has been so deep, so total, so incomprehensible. I lost you, for whom love is unfathomably deep, and also a parent at the same time.

So, Beloved, having you right there looking out to me from every inch of my bedroom walls growing up, you being my comfort in the worst times, and your constant emotional mentoring... it's all right there. I could ramble on for pages, but suffice it to say, you have been and continue to be a mothering spiritual being to me. But then, you're also my friend, my lover, my brother, my guru, my ... oh heck, Michael, you're EVERYTHING. And I love you. Happy Mother's Day from one of your kids. Always.

Change Me, Michael: The 'Heal the World' Epiphany

Maybe I'm weird (ok, that's a given), but when I was younger, like teens into twenties, I read a lot of spiritually-oriented books and yearned for the one mystical spiritual teacher to appear. You know, some guru figure who knew the answer, whom I could trust and love and feel comfortable with and actually listen to. See, that was the main problem... I've always been far too independent to surrender to guidance, so the yearning was somehow a moot point. No matter what anyone would say, no matter what was written in a book, I would always reply with, "Yeah, but says who? How do I know that's really the truth?" There is value in most anything, and wonderful pearls of wisdom hidden all around us, but it wasn't until I was much older that my Teacher finally appeared ... and I realized then that he'd been with me my whole life...

This is one part of the story: 

The 'Heal the World' Epiphany of 1992

As a child I decided I wanted to be a minister when I grew up. I never explained to anyone why. I couldn't have articulated it if I'd tried. There were experiences, deep experiences, with Christ and the Light in which I understood something about forgiveness and love. I believed that if only the world could know what I knew, we'd all stop killing and torturing each other. I thought that someday I would understand how to share that with others, but for the time being, junior high loomed large on the horizon. Yikes. Having fought like crazy to be 'tough' and 'strong' and never to let anyone see me cry, heck if I was going to show anything 'soft' or 'compassionate' as a teenager. It all sort of lay on the back burner, simmering quietly, nearly forgotten, evaporating as the harsh world closed in all around me. What had I been thinking, really?!

One day in what I believe must've been late 1991/ early 1992, when I was in my early 20's, I was driving to work and got stopped at a light. I remember this all distinctly. Well, I remember everything except what music was playing, and there was always music playing in my car. Given what happened next, one can assume it was the 'Dangerous' album!

As I sat there in my car, I found myself looking out at all the people sitting behind the wheel. I was on a hill, so I could see many cars off into the distance, all with people... with souls... with beautiful shining souls who don't realize they are made of love! Oh my God, I thought, I love them! I love them all! This wave of love poured out of me. I honestly cared for each and every one of them. I saw their humanity and their spirit and I knew they struggled like me to live in this world of materialistic views, ego, violence and pain. I could feel the connection of us all, all one, all part of God, all precious. It was the whole world and I was realizing with my soul that I truly loved all these people that just five minutes ago were pissing me off because they were driving too slow, lol! It all melted away for this astounding moment that my heart had opened to the world. Wowwwwwwwww....

And I was HORRIFIED!!!!

This wasn't me! What in all heck was going on???! Yes, all this love, love, mushy love stuff was all great and fine for other people, but it was NOT me! I had fought long and hard to keep those walls up, and I thought I'd succeeded quite well. Whatever was going on was truly CONFUSING. It felt like I'd just gone crazy and channeled a hippie, lol. You have no idea. This wasn't some epiphany brought about by pain or catastrophe. This was just a normal day. And although I realized that I "should" feel this to be a good person, I didn't WANT to feel this! It was so much easier to NOT care and to just play along with general apathy! It was so much easier to push away the tears, to turn away from all the suffering masses and not to be vulnerable enough to FEEL. It was like finally having learned how to get along in the world and having the world pulled out from under your feet... whooosh! Start over! And start over with all that cheesy, corny, gooey stuff you cringe at: Love, holding hands, "Cumbayá" and all else that was just somehow uncool.

"That's it!", I said outloud to myself, "I've been listening to Heal the World too many damn times!!!!!"

Yes, it must've been playing, because I think I reached for the buttons on my car stereo, lol. I quickly regained my equilibrium as the light turned green, but I can tell you that I was never truly the same again. Nope. Never. It was an opening of the heart chakra. Oh sure, I fought against it for years, and even now I sometimes struggle to get "I love you" out of my mouth, but once that tiny beam of light penetrates the false darkness we try to protect our tender selves with, the hard outer shell is doomed. It cannot and will not last. You can fight it all you want, but eventually that light will grow. Resistance is futile. It may wear down over the years, or it may take a tragedy to burst the dam, but the TRUTH indeed runs marathons. And the TRUTH is found in the one word that my dear Teacher, my Guru, my beautiful Michael gave me over and over again: LOVE.

Yes, cheesy, corny, mushy, gooey, but all too real and deep and true and sometimes painful... LOVE. You hear it a million times. A million times it can go in one ear and out the other, but someday the RIGHT person will say it (or sing it?) and it will stick. You won't get it out of you, because it IS you. And what a revelation to realize that this person has been saying it to you your whole silly life. Duhhhhh. Who was that mystical teacher who'd appear when the student was ready? When was I ready? When he first spoke that word to me? Or when I finally saw him for the utter and complete sculptor of my soul that he is? Or maybe it began eons ago, heck. I just know that the one I searched for was right before my eyes, as close as my own heart, and infused into my DNA where he worked his magic from within. And I love him. Oh, I love him. Forever and a day.

Thank you for 'Heal the World', Michael. I ADORE it! In 2009 someone asked which MJ song I'd bring along to a desert island if I could only choose one. And I chose this one. God bless you.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmDwb3u7QzU

28 years, and forever

28 YEARS AGO TODAY, on January 16, 1984, a clueless eleven-year-old without MTV watched the American Music Awards and was irresistibly drawn to a beautiful somebody in sunglasses and a sparkly red jacket. "Who the heck is that?!", she asked, bewildered. Thank God she could not escape the sudden onslaught of love's gravity. Here's to 28 years of loving you with all my heart, and eternity before and forever, dear Beloved! Thank you, Michael. Always yours, D. ♥

"Savior" - a poem with a story

All the dark moments that tore at my heart,
The days I thought there could be no start
Again for a life that's too much to take,
In a young mind, this moment puts all at stake,
When friends turned away and failed to give
What little would offer some hope to live,
And over the years in love's fighting trench,
How much could there be for the soul to wrench?
Then why soldier on with absurd fortitude,
What for is the hope to stay out of this mood?
But I always thought I would see you again,
And - to know what is coming next and when!
What tune will reach to my soul with such ease
That just living that moment's enough to please?
And where would your destiny take you still,
I could not leave it solely to their worldly will,
Would fate see it fit to cross our paths once more,
Or forever from afar would I still you adore?
It may sound naive or from hope springing hope,
But never could I leave you alone to cope,
For you saved me in ways I could never explain,
And if one wish of mine could just once do the same,
If my love had reached you for a moment of bliss,
For that one hope alone I could not bear to miss,
Still longing for a glimpse of that sparkle of white,
Cast out to the darkness, the sweetest of light,
And together, yet far, so I promised to stay,
To not miss my savior for one blessed day.
~ 'Savior' © April 3, 2010 by D.M.

The poem 'Savior' was written in the spring of 2010, but its story begins back in 1986 and flows through many years. It starts in the midst of an issue that's recently received a lot of attention: bullying in our schools and the suicides that so tragically occur as a result. Kids can get bullied for many reasons and it can start at nearly any time. Situations can change, from moving to a new school to falling out with a group. Unforseen events can occur, as I know well. And when you're a young teen, you may as well be world famous when they do. What I mean by that is there is no escape. You feel like the whole world is out to get you and you can't get away. You have to go to school. You are forced to surround yourself with the very people who are making your life a living hell, and unless you're in a situation with a lot of support (rare, because often you don't even want to tell your family what's going on), you feel very alone. You feel like no one would truly understand, especially the adults who either ignore your torment or try to tell you to just be tough. And coming from the inexperienced perspective of a child or teen, that torment feels like it will go on forever. You feel it will never end. Well, it will and it does. Nothing lasts forever (for good and for bad). Many bullied kids go on to amazing careers, they get married, raise families, they have a life and are loved. We need to get that message through to them. What goes on in stupid (and trust me, it's stupid) junior high or middle school is NOT your whole life. It is one passing moment, painful as it may be, but it WILL pass. Please don't ever give up and don't let others tell you who you are. Don't give them that power over your mind and heart. When you grow up, being different or not fitting in now will most likely turn out to be a strength and an asset then. It might sound crazy, but it's the truth. (See the first comment below for links to support. As Michael sang, "You are not alone.")

So, when I was 14 I found myself accused of something I didn't do... of being a "snitch" and getting a group of "friends" in major trouble. I had never said a word, not one measly word, but that didn't matter. I guess it was because I was the newer addition to group and therefore less popular, easier to blame. We ended up with windows broken out of our house, there were threats of bodily harm and worse, nasty things written about me on lockers and walls. I was screamed at from cars, chased, etc. Even later when I was able to switch schools, the label followed me initially. And the tall tales grew crazier by the minute. Half the kids in the area believed that it had been "confirmed" by school officials that I was the "narc" and that it was because of me that several people on probation were tossed back into jail, juvey hall and/or were expelled. And it was all a lie! I spent a good year or so unable to leave the house alone for fear I'd get my jaw broken or be stabbed or something. To top it off, my best friend knew the truth, but never stood up for me. I didn't get along so well with my parents, so to my mind I had no one.

As I said, a teenager doesn't deal with this in the way an adult might. You're not yet equipped emotionally or experientially and days feels like weeks. When you're in the thick of it, it is all quite literally, deadly serious. The worst thing in the world in junior high is to have no friends and get hatred hollered at you everywhere you go. (Well, that may be one of the worst things to anyone, actually.) When you add the feeling of your life being under threat, it's on yet another level.

One night I was on the bed crying and decided that's it, I'm obviously not cut out for this world. It's a shame to throw in the towel so young, but I can't take the meanness and betrayal. If this is what life is going to be like, then forget it. I had to find a way to do away with myself... but how?

As I was pondering the 'how', my mind made up as to the course of action, a little voice somewhere inside reminded me of Michael Jackson. What a regretful thing that I would never get the chance to meet him or even be here to find out what his next album sounded like. He'd never know how I love him. And I would miss him, yes, for sure. And oh my, I hadn't even listened to Michael for what seemed like ages! My friends were big heavy metal fans and to fit in I'd been giving myself a steady dose of it, even adding a couple of creepy black light posters to my bedroom walls. I didn't even like the stupid things. What was I thinking? I got up in a daze and found my Thriller tape. I put my headphones on and pushed 'play'.

The glorious sounds of Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' filled my ears and that feeling of Michael that I always got deep in my soul began to bubble up. Oh, how I needed him suddenly! Oh, how I had missed his precious voice singing to my heart like this! I cried so hard then, aching to be his friend somehow, to be in his arms, for some comfort from somewhere in this darkness. And Michael was who I'd turned to. But still, I just felt sadness knowing I would be leaving this world soon, leaving him behind. And then came the line, written by him, sung by him, piercing right into my soul:

"Lift your head up high & scream out to the world, 'I know I am someone!' and let the truth unfurl! No one can hurt you now, because you know it's true! Yes, I believe in me, so you believe in you!"

I don't know what happened at that moment, but a change came over me. With tears streaming down my face, I thought, "You're right, Michael. I know. You're right. I'm sorry I'm so weak. I'll try. For you, I'll be stronger. And I really do not want to leave you."

I opened my eyes and looked around. Through tear-streaked vision, Michael's beautiful eyes looked back at me from pictures and posters throughout the room, and in the midst of this light I saw what didn't belong. To heck with my wanna-be friends and their music and their worldview. That's not who I really am. (Ok, I do like some metal, I admit, but never enough to want an Iron Maiden poster in my bedroom ;) In the next days or weeks those things came down and more Michael went up. His wavelength was what I felt inside and he was who I wanted to surround myself with. I vowed to never almost forget my beloved like that again. And so, thanks to Michael Jackson, I didn't try to kill myself at 14. I soldiered through, and was even blessed with being able to see him on the Bad Tour just two years later. And yes, eventually the whole 'narc' episode faded away as we moved on into high school and I made a great many new friends, a couple of which I'm still in contact with twenty years later. (So again ... it does get better.)

And I have to admit something. Through all the years, life has often not been easy. It rarely is. There's been joy, friendship, hope, laughter and love, but also job stress, financial problems, heartbreak, sadness and serious illness. There have been dark times when I wanted to give in to defeat and just end the whole miserable thing (not like one really could, since we go, but you know what I mean). I think we all feel like this sometimes, don't we? I realized something years ago, though: Whenever my mind would succumb to those thoughts, Michael was always just a step ahead. It might sound crazy, but the thought of leaving this Earth while Michael was still here was just unthinkable, and my mind would inevitably turn to thoughts of him, to the Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' episode years ago and how he had essentially saved me. And I didn't want to let him down. I wanted to be wherever he was and I didn't want to miss a thing! And I wanted to be here if he needed me. I owed it to him somehow to stay. Of course, Michael wasn't the only reason for not giving up (!), but he was always part of it. And he still is.

Thank you, Michael. I love you so much. For always and ever.