All the dark moments that tore at my heart,
The days I thought there could be no start
Again for a life that's too much to take,
In a young mind, this moment puts all at stake,
When friends turned away and failed to give
What little would offer some hope to live,
And over the years in love's fighting trench,
How much could there be for the soul to wrench?
Then why soldier on with absurd fortitude,
What for is the hope to stay out of this mood?
But I always thought I would see you again,
And - to know what is coming next and when!
What tune will reach to my soul with such ease
That just living that moment's enough to please?
And where would your destiny take you still,
I could not leave it solely to their worldly will,
Would fate see it fit to cross our paths once more,
Or forever from afar would I still you adore?
It may sound naive or from hope springing hope,
But never could I leave you alone to cope,
For you saved me in ways I could never explain,
And if one wish of mine could just once do the same,
If my love had reached you for a moment of bliss,
For that one hope alone I could not bear to miss,
Still longing for a glimpse of that sparkle of white,
Cast out to the darkness, the sweetest of light,
And together, yet far, so I promised to stay,
To not miss my savior for one blessed day.
~ 'Savior' © April 3, 2010 by D.M.
The poem 'Savior' was written in the spring of 2010, but its story begins back in 1986 and flows through many years. It
starts in the midst of an issue that's recently received a lot of attention: bullying in our schools and the suicides that so tragically occur as a result. Kids can get bullied for many reasons and it can start at nearly any time. Situations can change, from moving to a new school to falling out with a group. Unforseen events can occur, as I know well. And when you're a young teen, you may as well be world famous when they do. What I mean by that is there is
no escape. You feel like the
whole world is out to get you and you can't get away. You
have to go to school. You are forced to surround yourself with the very people who are making your life a living hell, and unless you're in a situation with a lot of support (rare, because often you don't even want to tell your family what's going on), you feel very
alone. You feel like no one would truly understand, especially the adults who either ignore your torment or try to tell you to just be tough. And coming from the inexperienced perspective of a child or teen, that torment feels like it will go on
forever. You feel it will never end. Well, it
will and it
does. Nothing lasts forever (for good and for bad). Many bullied kids go on to amazing careers, they get married, raise families, they have a life and are loved. We need to get that message through to them. What goes on in stupid (and trust me, it's stupid) junior high or middle school is NOT your whole life. It is one passing moment, painful as it may be, but it WILL pass. Please don't ever give up and don't let others tell you who you are. Don't give them that power over your mind and heart. When you grow up, being different or not fitting in now will most likely turn out to be a strength and an asset then. It might sound crazy, but it's the truth.
(See the first comment below for links to support. As Michael sang, "You are not alone.")
So, when I was 14 I found myself accused of something I didn't do... of being a "snitch" and getting a group of "friends" in major trouble. I had never said a word, not one measly word, but that didn't matter. I guess it was because I was the newer addition to group and therefore less popular, easier to blame. We ended up with windows broken out of our house, there were threats of bodily harm and worse, nasty things written about me on lockers and walls. I was screamed at from cars, chased, etc. Even later when I was able to switch schools, the label followed me initially. And the tall tales grew crazier by the minute. Half the kids in the area believed that it had been "
confirmed" by school officials that
I was the "narc" and that it was because of
me that several people on probation were tossed back into jail, juvey hall and/or were expelled. And it was all a
lie! I spent a good year or so unable to leave the house alone for fear I'd get my jaw broken or be stabbed or something. To top it off, my best friend knew the truth, but never stood up for me. I didn't get along so well with my parents, so to my mind I had no one.
As I said, a teenager doesn't deal with this in the way an adult might. You're not yet equipped emotionally or experientially and days feels like weeks. When you're in the thick of it, it is all quite literally,
deadly serious. The worst thing in the world in junior high is to have no friends and get hatred hollered at you everywhere you go. (Well, that may be one of the worst things to anyone, actually.) When you add the feeling of your life being under threat, it's on yet another level.
One night I was on the bed crying and decided that's it, I'm obviously not cut out for this world. It's a shame to throw in the towel so young, but I can't take the meanness and betrayal. If this is what life is going to be like, then forget it. I had to find a way to do away with myself... but how?
As I was pondering the 'how', my mind made up as to the course of action, a little voice somewhere inside reminded me of Michael Jackson. What a regretful thing that I would never get the chance to meet him or even be here to find out what his next album sounded like. He'd never know how I love him. And I would miss him, yes, for sure. And oh my, I hadn't even
listened to Michael for what seemed like ages! My friends were big heavy metal fans and to fit in I'd been giving myself a steady dose of it, even adding a couple of creepy black light posters to my bedroom walls. I didn't even like the stupid things. What was I thinking? I got up in a daze and found my Thriller tape. I put my headphones on and pushed 'play'.
The glorious sounds of Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' filled my ears and that feeling of Michael that I always got deep in my soul began to bubble up. Oh, how I needed him suddenly! Oh, how I had missed his precious voice singing to my heart like this! I cried so hard then, aching to be his friend somehow, to be in his arms, for some comfort from somewhere in this darkness. And
Michael was who I'd turned to. But still, I just felt sadness knowing I would be leaving this world soon, leaving him behind. And then came the line, written by him, sung by him, piercing right into my soul:
"Lift your head up high & scream out to the world, 'I know I am someone!' and let the truth unfurl! No one can hurt you now, because you know it's true! Yes, I believe in me, so you believe in you!"
I don't know what happened at that moment, but a change came over me. With tears streaming down my face, I thought, "
You're right, Michael. I know. You're right. I'm sorry I'm so weak. I'll try. For you, I'll be stronger. And I really do not want to leave you."
I opened my eyes and looked around. Through tear-streaked vision, Michael's beautiful eyes looked back at me from pictures and posters throughout the room, and in the midst of this light I saw what didn't belong. To heck with my wanna-be friends and their music and their worldview. That's not who
I really am. (Ok, I do like some metal, I admit, but never enough to want an Iron Maiden poster in my bedroom ;) In the next days or weeks those things came down and more Michael went up.
His wavelength was what I felt inside and
he was who I wanted to surround myself with. I vowed to never almost forget my beloved like that again. And so, thanks to Michael Jackson, I didn't try to kill myself at 14. I soldiered through, and was even blessed with being able to see him on the Bad Tour just two years later. And yes, eventually the whole 'narc' episode faded away as we moved on into high school and I made a great many new friends, a couple of which I'm still in contact with twenty years later. (So again ... it does get better.)
And I have to admit something. Through all the years, life has often not been easy. It rarely is. There's been joy, friendship, hope, laughter and love, but also job stress, financial problems, heartbreak, sadness and serious illness. There have been dark times when I wanted to give in to defeat and just end the whole miserable thing (not like one really
could, since we go, but you know what I mean). I think we all feel like this sometimes, don't we? I realized something years ago, though: Whenever my mind would succumb to those thoughts, Michael was always just a step ahead. It might sound crazy, but the thought of leaving this Earth while Michael was still here was just unthinkable, and my mind would inevitably turn to thoughts of him, to the Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' episode years ago and how he had essentially
saved me. And I didn't want to let him down. I wanted to be wherever he was and I didn't want to miss a thing! And I wanted to be here if he needed me. I owed it to him somehow to stay. Of course, Michael wasn't the
only reason for not giving up (!), but he was always part of it.
And he still is.
Thank you, Michael. I love you so much. For always and ever.
