A Quarter of a Century Bereft

This month it will be 25 years. Twenty-five years since I've seen you. I'm feeling so sad today. You know how it just rebounds out of the blue and I find myself whining to you all night with tears streaking down my whiny face? Yeah. God knows all about this too. I frequently cry to Her about how much I love you. Luckily, She has the patience of a supreme deity. I hope you have some of it too, creepy-religious photoshops aside.

Despite this fire in my soul, in my quarter century personally bereft of your physical presence, something always intervened and kept me so far from you. Especially back in 2009 I wracked my brain trying to find my mistake ... what could I have done differently to have seen you again?! Conclusion: all things examined, not much, really. Not unless my life had been steered into another direction years earlier. Or, later... if you'd stayed.

Please know, Michael, this level of whining only applies to you. It could only apply to you. You... the pinnacle of all wishes upon all stars. You... the height of my heart's desire. You... in whose glance lay the supreme resolution to a boundless love. And me... left with only the merest hope of an oft-imagined, and heard by you, tearful confession over the din of a crowd: "I LOVE YOU, MICHAEL!"

But even that was not to be.

I'm glad I believe we're Spirit, or how could I go on? So I seemingly chose this? I chose to love you (you! you!) so incomprehensibly much that I've broken apart into a billion pieces time and time again, with your joy, with your pain, with mine, nearly insane... inexplicably bound by the cosmically oceanic depth of a connection I feel, deemed crazy by most of the world, yet more real than all of it?

So am I some kind of spiritual masochist then? Damn. I'm only half joking. But seriously, is this torture meant to force me out of attachment? You know, like the thumbscrews come off when one learns to let go of you? Or is this to give me the impetus to live in a state of loving devotion, i.e. not letting go... this time by choice, instead of in fear of recrimination by other-worldly forces (i.e. "love me or you'll go to Hell" - that sort of thing)? Life is so cryptic sometimes.

When I ask you, it's all about love.

Oh Beloved, forgive my begging, my whining, my incessant calls. I mean, unless you want it ... then by all means, come kiss me before I start crying again. Open my heart a little wider. Mmmm. You do it so well.

Alas, what joy there will be upon ascension ...
if my destination is your embrace.

~ DM ♥ March 1, 2013

♥ 29 Years of Being Yours ♥

Change the molecules in my space, 

As if they had beheld your face, 

Your beauty in that moment would, 

Sustain my soul as nothing could, 

A moment, space - these notions tire, 

My heart burns with an endless fire, 

I count this love by years in vain, 

For all eternal is your name, 

Your image burned upon my heart, 

Won't let me be from you apart, 

By bless'ed presence change my place, 

With you I've known the sweetest grace. 

 ~ For Michael on our "anniversary" January 16, 2013 

♥ 29 years of being yours (well ... in this life, anyway ;)

BAD Memory Scrapbook: The Day of Release!

In the next few weeks I'll be sharing some memories from 25 years ago, when Bad was released :) I plan to write much more, but for now... the day Bad was released! August 31, 1987! This was such incredible joy! If you weren't there or weren't a fan then, omg, you have no idea! 

The premier of the Bad short film was that same night!

My actual receipt, lol! I bought the LP and the cassette :) Remember those days? Thank you, Michael!

Change Me, Michael: The 'Heal the World' Epiphany

Maybe I'm weird (ok, that's a given), but when I was younger, like teens into twenties, I read a lot of spiritually-oriented books and yearned for the one mystical spiritual teacher to appear. You know, some guru figure who knew the answer, whom I could trust and love and feel comfortable with and actually listen to. See, that was the main problem... I've always been far too independent to surrender to guidance, so the yearning was somehow a moot point. No matter what anyone would say, no matter what was written in a book, I would always reply with, "Yeah, but says who? How do I know that's really the truth?" There is value in most anything, and wonderful pearls of wisdom hidden all around us, but it wasn't until I was much older that my Teacher finally appeared ... and I realized then that he'd been with me my whole life...

This is one part of the story: 

The 'Heal the World' Epiphany of 1992

As a child I decided I wanted to be a minister when I grew up. I never explained to anyone why. I couldn't have articulated it if I'd tried. There were experiences, deep experiences, with Christ and the Light in which I understood something about forgiveness and love. I believed that if only the world could know what I knew, we'd all stop killing and torturing each other. I thought that someday I would understand how to share that with others, but for the time being, junior high loomed large on the horizon. Yikes. Having fought like crazy to be 'tough' and 'strong' and never to let anyone see me cry, heck if I was going to show anything 'soft' or 'compassionate' as a teenager. It all sort of lay on the back burner, simmering quietly, nearly forgotten, evaporating as the harsh world closed in all around me. What had I been thinking, really?!

One day in what I believe must've been late 1991/ early 1992, when I was in my early 20's, I was driving to work and got stopped at a light. I remember this all distinctly. Well, I remember everything except what music was playing, and there was always music playing in my car. Given what happened next, one can assume it was the 'Dangerous' album!

As I sat there in my car, I found myself looking out at all the people sitting behind the wheel. I was on a hill, so I could see many cars off into the distance, all with people... with souls... with beautiful shining souls who don't realize they are made of love! Oh my God, I thought, I love them! I love them all! This wave of love poured out of me. I honestly cared for each and every one of them. I saw their humanity and their spirit and I knew they struggled like me to live in this world of materialistic views, ego, violence and pain. I could feel the connection of us all, all one, all part of God, all precious. It was the whole world and I was realizing with my soul that I truly loved all these people that just five minutes ago were pissing me off because they were driving too slow, lol! It all melted away for this astounding moment that my heart had opened to the world. Wowwwwwwwww....

And I was HORRIFIED!!!!

This wasn't me! What in all heck was going on???! Yes, all this love, love, mushy love stuff was all great and fine for other people, but it was NOT me! I had fought long and hard to keep those walls up, and I thought I'd succeeded quite well. Whatever was going on was truly CONFUSING. It felt like I'd just gone crazy and channeled a hippie, lol. You have no idea. This wasn't some epiphany brought about by pain or catastrophe. This was just a normal day. And although I realized that I "should" feel this to be a good person, I didn't WANT to feel this! It was so much easier to NOT care and to just play along with general apathy! It was so much easier to push away the tears, to turn away from all the suffering masses and not to be vulnerable enough to FEEL. It was like finally having learned how to get along in the world and having the world pulled out from under your feet... whooosh! Start over! And start over with all that cheesy, corny, gooey stuff you cringe at: Love, holding hands, "Cumbayá" and all else that was just somehow uncool.

"That's it!", I said outloud to myself, "I've been listening to Heal the World too many damn times!!!!!"

Yes, it must've been playing, because I think I reached for the buttons on my car stereo, lol. I quickly regained my equilibrium as the light turned green, but I can tell you that I was never truly the same again. Nope. Never. It was an opening of the heart chakra. Oh sure, I fought against it for years, and even now I sometimes struggle to get "I love you" out of my mouth, but once that tiny beam of light penetrates the false darkness we try to protect our tender selves with, the hard outer shell is doomed. It cannot and will not last. You can fight it all you want, but eventually that light will grow. Resistance is futile. It may wear down over the years, or it may take a tragedy to burst the dam, but the TRUTH indeed runs marathons. And the TRUTH is found in the one word that my dear Teacher, my Guru, my beautiful Michael gave me over and over again: LOVE.

Yes, cheesy, corny, mushy, gooey, but all too real and deep and true and sometimes painful... LOVE. You hear it a million times. A million times it can go in one ear and out the other, but someday the RIGHT person will say it (or sing it?) and it will stick. You won't get it out of you, because it IS you. And what a revelation to realize that this person has been saying it to you your whole silly life. Duhhhhh. Who was that mystical teacher who'd appear when the student was ready? When was I ready? When he first spoke that word to me? Or when I finally saw him for the utter and complete sculptor of my soul that he is? Or maybe it began eons ago, heck. I just know that the one I searched for was right before my eyes, as close as my own heart, and infused into my DNA where he worked his magic from within. And I love him. Oh, I love him. Forever and a day.

Thank you for 'Heal the World', Michael. I ADORE it! In 2009 someone asked which MJ song I'd bring along to a desert island if I could only choose one. And I chose this one. God bless you.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmDwb3u7QzU

Tell Me How to Love You Now

You're not an object,
To be bought and consumed,
Covered head to toe
With everything your name
Is stamped upon for profit,

It's all so cold.
So cold without you.

You're not an icon,
An emblem or mirage,
Assigned corporate meaning,
If it serves them to expand
The pocketbooks at large,

It's all so empty.
So empty without you.

You're not your things,
Auctioned, commandeered,
Stolen or won, held high,
Like trophies of a souless idol,
Casually stripped of his heart,

After all -
It's just business.
So shallow without you.

You're not just words,
Repeated as cliché,
Until they've become a slogan
For your brand, like effigy,
Cultural lipservice for a day,

"It's all for LOVE."
I still mean it.

You're not an object,
Sparkling glove, silhouette,
Once upon a time in Neverland,
Each year more distant in history,
And easier to sell with a crown...

Oh, Best of Joy,
Oh, human teacher,
Tell me how to love you now.
Tell me how to love you now.

_______________________
"Tell Me How to Love You Now"
© June 2, 2012 by D.M. 

And this is our message to you! Awaken!

Posting via Major Love Prayer, a group of thousands of fans worldwide who join together at the exact same moment every month on the 25th to "send out a major love!" via a mass prayer/ meditation! Please check them out and mark your calendars!

Here's my prayer experience on May 25, 2012 that ended up inspiring this photoshop :) ~ It began with the Come Together Over Michael Jackson intention of silencing all guns on June 25th. I saw the words JUNE 25 ... ALL GUNS ARE SILENT ... and I saw Michael on stage at the end of Earth Song lowering the gun and at that moment, I saw guns being lowered across the planet... soldiers, gangs, everyone... lowering their guns as Michael lowered the one on stage. This image repeated and I stayed with it with as much focus as I could for a couple of minutes.

Next, we reached out hands to hands around the world, taking hands and it felt so deeply like a kinship of LOVE ... a peaceful feeling where we are all equals, all together, all ONE. We were growing the love when I noticed a brightly glowing white LOTUS flower floating down from the sky. Michael was there then. He was holding one too. Many of these were raining down onto the earth. We walked up to people, looked them in the eye, reached out for them and said "Awaken!" as we handed them the lotuses of light that would enter their hearts, awakening their spirits to the truth that LOVE is all that matters in the end. "Awaken!" We went to one person after another, from soldiers in Syria, in Africa, in South America, in the Middle East, Asia ... armed gangs, those about to commit crimes or harm others, those who were sad or suffering... we went to world leaders ... some took the lotus thankfully, while others resisted and refused, while we touched their faces gently and pleaded with them. Some then took it from Michael, but not everyone. We went to people in Michael's life, like Murray, Sneddon, others. Michael's children were joyfully dancing amongst many lotuses ... there was no need to go to them or most children... for they already were awake! After a few minutes of this, my focus was turned back to the grid of light all MLP participants had created across the world. The whole world was FILLED with light. AWAKEN! " ~ D.M., May 25, 2012

Holding Yours...

"Holding yours, holding yours..."

♥ Holding Yours ♥

All my excuses crumble,
Admitting what I've feared,
I love You, I love Him,
I love them all!

Whoosh....

I am released,
Tears with breathless gasps,
Like a child unrestrained
By the years of faking
Those walls around my heart,

My hands pressed to the screen,
Glowing in the pre-dawn dark,
Holding yours,
Holding yours,

Exhale...

I surrender,
It's true, it's true!
When I breathe again, it is for You,
It's for Him, and yes, for them,
But why pretend:
It's You.

You permeate my heart,
I resonate yours,
Your mission courses
Through my soul,
It's in my hands,
As I'm in yours,
I cannot waste it,
Can't deny,
It's not in vain,
I'll live, I'll try!

But know this, Love:
It's all for You,
You, You, my beautiful You!
Everything,
It always was,
But now declared,
I cannot hide,
I will confide,
I'm born again in You,

Breathe...

Tear-streaked face,
Trembling anew,
My hands reach out
In the dawning light,
Holding yours,
Forever.

~ a tiny fraction of eclipse night, May 21, 2012
__________________
"Holding Yours"
© May 22, 2012 by D.M.  

I Don't Feel Less Loved

I don't feel less loved...

It doesn't matter where I live,
Or if in poverty or wealth,
It doesn't matter what my age,
Or if I suffer failing health,
It doesn't matter what my color,
Or my language, or my race,
It doesn't matter my religion,
Or the beauty of my face,
It doesn't matter if I knew you,
Or if I've loved you from afar,
It wouldn't matter what I was
If I had fallen from a star...

 I don't feel less loved.
 And I want to THANK YOU for that.

__________________
"I Don't Feel Less Loved"
© May 19, 2012 by D.M.