Innocence, I know

I know,
Hush, before you speak it,
For I've no need to hear
What is already told,
That I've seen in your eyes,
When without a disguise,
They've revealed
Your soul to mine,

I know,
Hush, for you need not defend,
When you know I am yours
And I've already heard,
From the earth to the moon,
From without and inside,
Where we just cannot hide
Our innocence
From one another,

I know, Love.
Hush, I know.

For Michael, from DM ~
'Innocence, I Know'
(c) May 13, 2013

Happy Mother's Day, Beloved

[Note: Sorry I haven't finished the "Bad Tour" posts! I will, I promise. Just been busy!]

Michael, would it be too weird if I wished YOU a Happy Mother's Day as well? You're kind of like my "other mother" (but not in the creepy Coraline kinda way, lol). I didn't begin to realize this until after 2009. I had grown up with you, but I never thought of you as a parent figure. (Ahem, no.... wayyyy too many feeling crossed that line, ahem. ;) Plus, you're not quite old enough to be my dad, lol. However...

A couple of years ago I had a realization that I am actually one of your kids. I declared myself yours around my 12th birthday, after all. Although I thought of myself as nearly grown up (lol), twelve is still a child! When you felt for 'your babies' around the world, I used to be one of them. That was a nice thought. I love being yours.

And when I was scared and alone during a brief stay in a foster home, YOU were my salvation. I wasn't allowed to contact friends or family, but I had you in my heart. I remember lying in that bedroom, silently crying and reaching out to you in desperation, "Michael, I know you don't know me, but I'm only 13, a fan, and I'm in an awful mess right now. Can you hug me? I'm scared." And although some would say it's crazy, my other friends will know it's true... you were there. When I wanted to leave this planet some months later, again, it was you ... your words, your voice, that saved me. Was I seeking a friend? Or did I need a third parent in those moments? I'm understanding it was both.

And it's been you, in the more traditionally maternal role, who's been working on my ability to feel, be caring and to express love, compassion and affection all these years. I made a vow as a child that no one would ever see me cry. I used to be asked, through tears, "Don't you FEEL anything?! You're just so cold!" by more emotional types. (Thanks, Capricorn Moon. The answer is yes, of course, but I tend to freeze up.) But Michael ... geesh... you had me crying and emoting when there wasn't much to cry or emote about yet! Because of you and your emotional exuberance about E.T. The Extra Terrestrial, that was the first movie I allowed myself to publicly weep at when I saw it the first time during its theatrical re-release in '85. I let the story into my heart because in so doing I was communing with you! And we're not even going to talk about my shaking and crying my eyes out at the Bad concert a few years later, lol!

Through loving you, growing up with you, crying with you, becoming an adult with you, I've gone through so much, and directly because of YOUR encouragement (by just being who you are) I've learned that it's okay to feel and say "I love you". It's okay to say those things. It's okay to express it. In fact, we should! Even if it's still difficult for me, little by little the bricks crumble while you stand to the side like a parent, smiling at each little triumph. And when I've needed arms to hold me, you've so often been there, with the deepest comfort I've ever felt. You even made me a bowl of split-pea soup in a dream, lol. And then there was that past life (?) glimpse of being your baby, but I'll leave that for now.

In astrology, it's common to lose a parent during certain transits, like major planets on angles. The day you died I had that, plus a massive Pluto conjunct Moon transit had just begun. The moon, of course, represents the mother principle, and in my chart, the moon's ruler is conjunct the 4th house cusp, which also represents one's mother. These things showed the dangerous/likely possibility of losing a parent, particularly one's mother. And I did: YOU. Right in cosmic timing. (*Knocks strongly on wood and prays for the other two*, whose influence I'm not trying to downplay.) This is probably one reason the mourning has been so deep, so total, so incomprehensible. I lost you, for whom love is unfathomably deep, and also a parent at the same time.

So, Beloved, having you right there looking out to me from every inch of my bedroom walls growing up, you being my comfort in the worst times, and your constant emotional mentoring... it's all right there. I could ramble on for pages, but suffice it to say, you have been and continue to be a mothering spiritual being to me. But then, you're also my friend, my lover, my brother, my guru, my ... oh heck, Michael, you're EVERYTHING. And I love you. Happy Mother's Day from one of your kids. Always.

The Way You Made Me Feel! ~ Bad Tour in Denver Pt2: Countdown to Bliss

From the moment I got my ticket, it was far more precious than gold. I looked at it, studied it every day. I had everything memorized. You could have bumped into me in the hallway at school and I could've told you every single detail, from the exact wording to the event code. Even how many asterisks there were between the date and location lines.

Seating at McNichols was like this for section DDD

Every couple of days I would walk over to the record store at lunch or on a free hour from school just to ogle the McNichols Arena seating chart. I'm surprised they didn't know my name by the concert date. Just how close to Michael would I be??? Ohhhh, the agony. The exquisite agony of waiting for the glorious day! I would sit on the front porch and try to guesstimate the distance by pretending Michael was dancing on the roof a couple of houses away. I wrote a journal at school and nearly everything in it is about Michael, lol. I wrote my ticket info, what number "Man in the Mirror" had been on Dial MTV (the forerunner of TRL), etc.

I made myself a special calendar to count down to the best day ever. I marked off each day and had a HOURS countdown after a while. That's right... you'll see on each day there are the number of hours (at noon) until the moment my eyes would behold my Beloved! ♥

A few days after I got my ticket, a third show was added. The second show had been automatically scheduled on that first day of ticket sales. I didn't even know about it, as both shows sold out in a matter of hours. The third show also rapidly sold out. I wish I'd had more money and more know-how so that I could've attended more than one! Aghghgh! (Note: The official Bad Tour info, from the tour program (I think) to Wikipedia is WRONG. Everywhere you'll look it says that Denver was March 23 & 24. No! Maybe that was the original plan, but that's NOT what happened. The band KISS actually performed at McNichols Arena on March 23, 1988. Michael Jackson then did THREE shows ... March 24, March 25 and March 26.)

Here are the radio ads announcing the third show!

And there's one more important video that simply MUST be posted. Three weeks before my special day, beautiful Michael performed "The Way You Make Me Feel" and "Man in the Mirror" at the Grammy Awards! (And here's an article about this that is a MUST-READ! Rembert Explains the '80s: Michael Jackson at the 1988 Grammy Awards ) Imagine seeing this performance... and I mean WOW... and knowing that you're going to see this man soon! Yes, imagine! Btw, the day after the Grammy's Michael also did a special benefit show in the tour at Madison Square Garden in NY.



NEXT: Part 3 to be posted soon ... CONCERT DAY!
News articles and TV reports to be posted as well :)

PREVIOUS: Part 1: OMG, Tickets to see Michael Jackson!

The Way You Made Me Feel! ~ Bad Tour in Denver Pt1: OMG! Tickets to see Michael Jackson!

NEXT: Part 2: Countdown to Bliss

On June 28, 1987, two months before the release of the "Bad" album, when the airwaves once again were graced with something new and wonderful from Michael Jackson ("I Just Can't Stop Loving You" ~ Finally! Joy!), an announcement was made that would send my life into beautiful new territory. Our local newspaper ran the following article a couple of days later:

Jackson Tour to Start in Japan
Shy superstar Michael Jackson's first concert tour in three years will begin with a series of September concerts in Japan, where the singer feels his fans are among his most loyal, his personal manager said Tuesday in Tokyo. "He feels very comfortable here," said Frank Dileo. Jackson, 28, who has not visited Japan since performing with his brothers as the Jackson Five in 1973, said in a statement that he would give his fans "thrilling and exciting" concerts. Dileo said he will  perform in Tokyo, Osaka and Yokohama, go on to Australia, and then tour the United States from February to June and Europe from June through August 1988. It will be Jackson's first performances since his 1984 "Victory" tour with his brothers and his first concerts without them.

W...w...... wait.... did I read that right? Did that really say "and then tour the United States"?! I can't begin to explain the kind of excitement that welled up inside! My parents hadn't let me go to the Victory Tour and I had vowed to myself that the next time there was nothing and no one who would stop me from seeing Michael! My heart was pounding, thoughts spiraling into a newfound bliss! Oh please let it be true! Please let it be true!!!!

It was a few more months before anything more was mentioned about the US leg of the Bad Tour, then this came blasting from my radio! Just listen! It's enough to make you blow up!

Text: "Get ready, Denver! The rumors are true! The event of the century is coming to McNichols Arena! Pepsi presents MICHAEL JACKSON! At last... March 24th, the thrill is back! Michael Jackson, in spectacular concert! Tickets go on sale this Monday at 8am at all Ticketmaster locations. Michael Jackson! LIVE! Tickets this Monday at 8am at all Ticketmaster, all Dave Cooks, select Budget Tapes and Records, or charge it 303-623-TIXS. HE'S COMING... March 24th to McNichols Arena. Michael Jackson, presented by Pepsi."

Lord have mercy! How did I survive this announcement?!!!! My dream! Oh my God, I was going to finally see Michael!! And it was just a few days before tickets were to go on sale! I didn't have any MJ fan friends, but a couple friends from high school (I had just turned 16) said they'd go with me. In the end, no one could come up with the cash in time over the weekend, so I realized that I'd be going to my first ever concert alone. No matter. I would crawl on my hands and knees for those 65 miles through snow, sleet, broken glass... whatever. I HAD to see him.

On the morning of February 22nd, I dragged my mom out of bed at 4-something in the morning so I could get to the downtown ticket outlet by 5am. Naturally, I had wanted to camp out all night, but there was no way she'd let me. It was freezing cold (February in Colorado!) and I'd have been "alone". As we pulled up to Budget Tapes and Records my heart sank just a bit. Wow, there were a lot of people in line already. I jumped out of the car and took my place as the 54th person, around the corner against the icy brick wall. Was it really that cold? I hardly noticed. My heart only knew one thing ... I was about to get a ticket to see the love of my life.

At 8am sharp the door opened and people rapidly streamed through, a few at a time. Butterflies filled my stomach as I anxiously pleaded inside for them to HURRY UP! Imagine getting to the front of the line and finding out the show had sold out! There were sure to be many more people in line at Ticketmaster outlets in Denver, and each second counted.

When I was let in, I was shaking already. I got to the counter and said "ONE TICKET, PLEASE." I kept telling myself it wouldn't matter where the seat was, just as long as I could be there. I handed over my $22.50 plus taxes and fee, and received in return a little turquoise paper from the printer. Oh my God, how could I look down to read it? It was in my hand! I HAD A TICKET TO SEE MICHAEL JACKSON...  IN MY HAND! Dare I look where my seat is? 

FLOOR?????????? Oh my! Oh! Oh!!!! 

Yes, but alas, that doesn't mean 9th row from the stage. It's row 9 in the section behind the other section that's in front of the stage, lol. In the end it's somewhere around row 34 to 40. But still ... that would mean I'd be physically closer to Michael than the vast majority of the arena. I felt so blessed. Just blessed to have that precious ticket in my hand. I'd loved Michael with every heartbeat for almost four years. I laugh a bit at that now (only four years?), but when you're a teenager that's like forever. Not only was he the most incredible performer and entertainer ever, but  he'd saved my life when I'd wanted to die. He'd been with me in my heart through some terrible circumstances. He'd been the doorway to love and hope and a reason to carry on. His pictures covered every inch of my bedroom walls so that I could live in a sort of Michael Sanctuary. And most importantly, I knew he was a beautiful person. From the moment I'd first fallen for him, I'd read every interview I could find, even going through libraries to dig up old magazine articles. I felt something inside him that's hard to explain. And that something was filled with LIGHT and LOVE and all I wanted to do was love him back. I wanted to just BE NEAR to him and LOVE him. And this, as close as I'd likely get for a while, was my chance to do just that. Thank you, God. Thank you, Michael.

NEXT: Part 2: Countdown to Bliss

Divine You Are

 

Oh, Michael,

All day long, all through the night,

Poems to you flow through my soul,

Loving you, wanting you,

Lost in your beauty and the heat of a desire

too transcendent to form words on paper,

For my fingers can only trace

The sublime of your form,

And what sublimity there lives!

In effusive worship, all this love,

Oh Michael, in any form, let me trace

The Divinity you are,

Wordless from my quivering lips,

Simply, you are Heaven.

Divine you are.

I am so in love with you. ♥ 

~ (c) DM, March 9, 2013

A Quarter of a Century Bereft

This month it will be 25 years. Twenty-five years since I've seen you. I'm feeling so sad today. You know how it just rebounds out of the blue and I find myself whining to you all night with tears streaking down my whiny face? Yeah. God knows all about this too. I frequently cry to Her about how much I love you. Luckily, She has the patience of a supreme deity. I hope you have some of it too, creepy-religious photoshops aside.

Despite this fire in my soul, in my quarter century personally bereft of your physical presence, something always intervened and kept me so far from you. Especially back in 2009 I wracked my brain trying to find my mistake ... what could I have done differently to have seen you again?! Conclusion: all things examined, not much, really. Not unless my life had been steered into another direction years earlier. Or, later... if you'd stayed.

Please know, Michael, this level of whining only applies to you. It could only apply to you. You... the pinnacle of all wishes upon all stars. You... the height of my heart's desire. You... in whose glance lay the supreme resolution to a boundless love. And me... left with only the merest hope of an oft-imagined, and heard by you, tearful confession over the din of a crowd: "I LOVE YOU, MICHAEL!"

But even that was not to be.

I'm glad I believe we're Spirit, or how could I go on? So I seemingly chose this? I chose to love you (you! you!) so incomprehensibly much that I've broken apart into a billion pieces time and time again, with your joy, with your pain, with mine, nearly insane... inexplicably bound by the cosmically oceanic depth of a connection I feel, deemed crazy by most of the world, yet more real than all of it?

So am I some kind of spiritual masochist then? Damn. I'm only half joking. But seriously, is this torture meant to force me out of attachment? You know, like the thumbscrews come off when one learns to let go of you? Or is this to give me the impetus to live in a state of loving devotion, i.e. not letting go... this time by choice, instead of in fear of recrimination by other-worldly forces (i.e. "love me or you'll go to Hell" - that sort of thing)? Life is so cryptic sometimes.

When I ask you, it's all about love.

Oh Beloved, forgive my begging, my whining, my incessant calls. I mean, unless you want it ... then by all means, come kiss me before I start crying again. Open my heart a little wider. Mmmm. You do it so well.

Alas, what joy there will be upon ascension ...
if my destination is your embrace.

~ DM ♥ March 1, 2013

♥ 29 Years of Being Yours ♥

Change the molecules in my space, 

As if they had beheld your face, 

Your beauty in that moment would, 

Sustain my soul as nothing could, 

A moment, space - these notions tire, 

My heart burns with an endless fire, 

I count this love by years in vain, 

For all eternal is your name, 

Your image burned upon my heart, 

Won't let me be from you apart, 

By bless'ed presence change my place, 

With you I've known the sweetest grace. 

 ~ For Michael on our "anniversary" January 16, 2013 

♥ 29 years of being yours (well ... in this life, anyway ;)

BAD Memory Scrapbook: The Day of Release!

In the next few weeks I'll be sharing some memories from 25 years ago, when Bad was released :) I plan to write much more, but for now... the day Bad was released! August 31, 1987! This was such incredible joy! If you weren't there or weren't a fan then, omg, you have no idea! 

The premier of the Bad short film was that same night!

My actual receipt, lol! I bought the LP and the cassette :) Remember those days? Thank you, Michael!

Change Me, Michael: The 'Heal the World' Epiphany

Maybe I'm weird (ok, that's a given), but when I was younger, like teens into twenties, I read a lot of spiritually-oriented books and yearned for the one mystical spiritual teacher to appear. You know, some guru figure who knew the answer, whom I could trust and love and feel comfortable with and actually listen to. See, that was the main problem... I've always been far too independent to surrender to guidance, so the yearning was somehow a moot point. No matter what anyone would say, no matter what was written in a book, I would always reply with, "Yeah, but says who? How do I know that's really the truth?" There is value in most anything, and wonderful pearls of wisdom hidden all around us, but it wasn't until I was much older that my Teacher finally appeared ... and I realized then that he'd been with me my whole life...

This is one part of the story: 

The 'Heal the World' Epiphany of 1992

As a child I decided I wanted to be a minister when I grew up. I never explained to anyone why. I couldn't have articulated it if I'd tried. There were experiences, deep experiences, with Christ and the Light in which I understood something about forgiveness and love. I believed that if only the world could know what I knew, we'd all stop killing and torturing each other. I thought that someday I would understand how to share that with others, but for the time being, junior high loomed large on the horizon. Yikes. Having fought like crazy to be 'tough' and 'strong' and never to let anyone see me cry, heck if I was going to show anything 'soft' or 'compassionate' as a teenager. It all sort of lay on the back burner, simmering quietly, nearly forgotten, evaporating as the harsh world closed in all around me. What had I been thinking, really?!

One day in what I believe must've been late 1991/ early 1992, when I was in my early 20's, I was driving to work and got stopped at a light. I remember this all distinctly. Well, I remember everything except what music was playing, and there was always music playing in my car. Given what happened next, one can assume it was the 'Dangerous' album!

As I sat there in my car, I found myself looking out at all the people sitting behind the wheel. I was on a hill, so I could see many cars off into the distance, all with people... with souls... with beautiful shining souls who don't realize they are made of love! Oh my God, I thought, I love them! I love them all! This wave of love poured out of me. I honestly cared for each and every one of them. I saw their humanity and their spirit and I knew they struggled like me to live in this world of materialistic views, ego, violence and pain. I could feel the connection of us all, all one, all part of God, all precious. It was the whole world and I was realizing with my soul that I truly loved all these people that just five minutes ago were pissing me off because they were driving too slow, lol! It all melted away for this astounding moment that my heart had opened to the world. Wowwwwwwwww....

And I was HORRIFIED!!!!

This wasn't me! What in all heck was going on???! Yes, all this love, love, mushy love stuff was all great and fine for other people, but it was NOT me! I had fought long and hard to keep those walls up, and I thought I'd succeeded quite well. Whatever was going on was truly CONFUSING. It felt like I'd just gone crazy and channeled a hippie, lol. You have no idea. This wasn't some epiphany brought about by pain or catastrophe. This was just a normal day. And although I realized that I "should" feel this to be a good person, I didn't WANT to feel this! It was so much easier to NOT care and to just play along with general apathy! It was so much easier to push away the tears, to turn away from all the suffering masses and not to be vulnerable enough to FEEL. It was like finally having learned how to get along in the world and having the world pulled out from under your feet... whooosh! Start over! And start over with all that cheesy, corny, gooey stuff you cringe at: Love, holding hands, "Cumbayá" and all else that was just somehow uncool.

"That's it!", I said outloud to myself, "I've been listening to Heal the World too many damn times!!!!!"

Yes, it must've been playing, because I think I reached for the buttons on my car stereo, lol. I quickly regained my equilibrium as the light turned green, but I can tell you that I was never truly the same again. Nope. Never. It was an opening of the heart chakra. Oh sure, I fought against it for years, and even now I sometimes struggle to get "I love you" out of my mouth, but once that tiny beam of light penetrates the false darkness we try to protect our tender selves with, the hard outer shell is doomed. It cannot and will not last. You can fight it all you want, but eventually that light will grow. Resistance is futile. It may wear down over the years, or it may take a tragedy to burst the dam, but the TRUTH indeed runs marathons. And the TRUTH is found in the one word that my dear Teacher, my Guru, my beautiful Michael gave me over and over again: LOVE.

Yes, cheesy, corny, mushy, gooey, but all too real and deep and true and sometimes painful... LOVE. You hear it a million times. A million times it can go in one ear and out the other, but someday the RIGHT person will say it (or sing it?) and it will stick. You won't get it out of you, because it IS you. And what a revelation to realize that this person has been saying it to you your whole silly life. Duhhhhh. Who was that mystical teacher who'd appear when the student was ready? When was I ready? When he first spoke that word to me? Or when I finally saw him for the utter and complete sculptor of my soul that he is? Or maybe it began eons ago, heck. I just know that the one I searched for was right before my eyes, as close as my own heart, and infused into my DNA where he worked his magic from within. And I love him. Oh, I love him. Forever and a day.

Thank you for 'Heal the World', Michael. I ADORE it! In 2009 someone asked which MJ song I'd bring along to a desert island if I could only choose one. And I chose this one. God bless you.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmDwb3u7QzU

Tell Me How to Love You Now

You're not an object,
To be bought and consumed,
Covered head to toe
With everything your name
Is stamped upon for profit,

It's all so cold.
So cold without you.

You're not an icon,
An emblem or mirage,
Assigned corporate meaning,
If it serves them to expand
The pocketbooks at large,

It's all so empty.
So empty without you.

You're not your things,
Auctioned, commandeered,
Stolen or won, held high,
Like trophies of a souless idol,
Casually stripped of his heart,

After all -
It's just business.
So shallow without you.

You're not just words,
Repeated as cliché,
Until they've become a slogan
For your brand, like effigy,
Cultural lipservice for a day,

"It's all for LOVE."
I still mean it.

You're not an object,
Sparkling glove, silhouette,
Once upon a time in Neverland,
Each year more distant in history,
And easier to sell with a crown...

Oh, Best of Joy,
Oh, human teacher,
Tell me how to love you now.
Tell me how to love you now.

_______________________
"Tell Me How to Love You Now"
© June 2, 2012 by D.M. 

And this is our message to you! Awaken!

Posting via Major Love Prayer, a group of thousands of fans worldwide who join together at the exact same moment every month on the 25th to "send out a major love!" via a mass prayer/ meditation! Please check them out and mark your calendars!

Here's my prayer experience on May 25, 2012 that ended up inspiring this photoshop :) ~ It began with the Come Together Over Michael Jackson intention of silencing all guns on June 25th. I saw the words JUNE 25 ... ALL GUNS ARE SILENT ... and I saw Michael on stage at the end of Earth Song lowering the gun and at that moment, I saw guns being lowered across the planet... soldiers, gangs, everyone... lowering their guns as Michael lowered the one on stage. This image repeated and I stayed with it with as much focus as I could for a couple of minutes.

Next, we reached out hands to hands around the world, taking hands and it felt so deeply like a kinship of LOVE ... a peaceful feeling where we are all equals, all together, all ONE. We were growing the love when I noticed a brightly glowing white LOTUS flower floating down from the sky. Michael was there then. He was holding one too. Many of these were raining down onto the earth. We walked up to people, looked them in the eye, reached out for them and said "Awaken!" as we handed them the lotuses of light that would enter their hearts, awakening their spirits to the truth that LOVE is all that matters in the end. "Awaken!" We went to one person after another, from soldiers in Syria, in Africa, in South America, in the Middle East, Asia ... armed gangs, those about to commit crimes or harm others, those who were sad or suffering... we went to world leaders ... some took the lotus thankfully, while others resisted and refused, while we touched their faces gently and pleaded with them. Some then took it from Michael, but not everyone. We went to people in Michael's life, like Murray, Sneddon, others. Michael's children were joyfully dancing amongst many lotuses ... there was no need to go to them or most children... for they already were awake! After a few minutes of this, my focus was turned back to the grid of light all MLP participants had created across the world. The whole world was FILLED with light. AWAKEN! " ~ D.M., May 25, 2012

Holding Yours...

"Holding yours, holding yours..."

♥ Holding Yours ♥

All my excuses crumble,
Admitting what I've feared,
I love You, I love Him,
I love them all!

Whoosh....

I am released,
Tears with breathless gasps,
Like a child unrestrained
By the years of faking
Those walls around my heart,

My hands pressed to the screen,
Glowing in the pre-dawn dark,
Holding yours,
Holding yours,

Exhale...

I surrender,
It's true, it's true!
When I breathe again, it is for You,
It's for Him, and yes, for them,
But why pretend:
It's You.

You permeate my heart,
I resonate yours,
Your mission courses
Through my soul,
It's in my hands,
As I'm in yours,
I cannot waste it,
Can't deny,
It's not in vain,
I'll live, I'll try!

But know this, Love:
It's all for You,
You, You, my beautiful You!
Everything,
It always was,
But now declared,
I cannot hide,
I will confide,
I'm born again in You,

Breathe...

Tear-streaked face,
Trembling anew,
My hands reach out
In the dawning light,
Holding yours,
Forever.

~ a tiny fraction of eclipse night, May 21, 2012
__________________
"Holding Yours"
© May 22, 2012 by D.M.  

I Don't Feel Less Loved

I don't feel less loved...

It doesn't matter where I live,
Or if in poverty or wealth,
It doesn't matter what my age,
Or if I suffer failing health,
It doesn't matter what my color,
Or my language, or my race,
It doesn't matter my religion,
Or the beauty of my face,
It doesn't matter if I knew you,
Or if I've loved you from afar,
It wouldn't matter what I was
If I had fallen from a star...

 I don't feel less loved.
 And I want to THANK YOU for that.

__________________
"I Don't Feel Less Loved"
© May 19, 2012 by D.M. 

What depths...

What Immortal Unfoldings

Lost these days, Oh where are you?
"I'm here", my imagination weakly replies.
I don't feel the warmth,
The electricity down my spine,
Or the continuous dialog,
Like you're a part of me, I you,
One ever-present consciousness
Joined as entangled photons,
Light knowing light,
Drops of rain endlessly falling
Into each other...

Who is this man, this being,
This mystery, this love?
Mere mortal, a god, or both,
I no longer know...

You, so real, so human,
Me, obsessive and grasping,
Reaching for the proof
Of my own delusions?
What depths I have assigned you,
What immortal unfoldings,
But oh, the grandeur
Of my delusions of you!

Illusions of you - by you, or I?
Or truth, clouded in my nebulous faith -
Truth I know in solid clarity,
Forever in my heart...

Who are you?
ARE you?
Please be! Please BE!
Fatally human or master divine,
I'm lost without your presence,
Mercy, forgive my doubts,
As you forgive my delusions,
Be within me again,
Touch me, teach me,
Exquisite and fragile
And all.
 
_______________________
"What Immortal Unfoldings"
© December 15, 2011 by D.M. 
~ All Rights Reserved

I have become one with your tapestry...

♥ Tapestry ♥

I am your work, inextricably bound,
I have become one with your tapestry,
Your golden thread informed the design,
And my life has been sewn to yours...
Melded...
One...

I've been entwined, circled and spun,
Wrapped in the tendrils of you,
As a baby in innocent wonder
Coils her fingers around your curls...
Around...
Between...

And all the while the loom in rhythm,
Weaving, shaping, winding my fate,
Infinite helix, infused DNA,
Spiritual spirals that beckon my heart...
Closer...
Deeper...

The Master Weaver had fixed the first stitch,
I was pulled inside, untangled, untied,
Moving in pattern, in shape, in flow,
He had handed the plan to you...
Creating...
Becoming...

Guiding formation, the spirit within,
Unseen hands, both artful, precise,
Eternal, these threads, in space and time,
In the endless fabric of love...
Transforming...
Inheriting...

Your heart is woven throughout my own,
Every moment of you changes me,
Every thought, every movement you've ever made,
I have borne in my body and soul...
Enmeshed...
Communed...

I am your work, inextricably bound,
I have become one with your tapestry,
Your golden thread informed the design,
And my life has been sewn to yours...

What story do we tell...?

_______________________  _______________________
"Tapestry" © April 29, 2012 by D.M. 
~ All Rights Reserved

Ember's Glow

The longing lasts, inexhaustible, eternal... not attachment to be burned through and freed from. Can you extricate me from myself or dissolve that which is the ember placed within by God?

"Will you love me?", you asked, tear streaked face hidden beneath hands exquisitely tender and at once embodying a touch for which I so yearned, yet would never partake of, unless given.

"Yes, I will love you."

My Angel, my All. Muse of my soul, whose breath is sweet life to the glow within. Not then, not now, nor here alone... for time is as powerless to define my promise as space is to constrain it.

Always.

Lover, Beloved, in eternal dance. For your touch longing still in this temporal form, if by this I can give... one promise, one breath, one gift to your glow ... the most cherished of embers by God.

_______________________
"Ember's Glow" © April 25, 2012 by D.M. 
~ All Rights Reserved

Breathe You

Oh Beloved, Oh Angel,
Let me feel you, breathe you,
Know your heart from within,
I give you all, all I am,
For you,
May my soul know the joy
Of your love's embrace,
Lost in the bliss of your smile,
Drowning in the light of your eyes,
Hold me, sweet Angel, I'm yours,
For a moment, for now, forever...
With you.
~ © March 11, 2012 by D.M.

It is here I am One

Sleeping, dreaming of space.

I'm somewhere near the moon with others, with him.

I awaken in bed for a moment, close my eyes and whoosh ... Consciousness contracts into a single point that in once re-discovered I am all, I am free. I am the real me, wrapped in a peaceful cloak of deep velvet blackness, awareness so focused, yet eternal, everywhere, knowing, knowing. "Oh joy!!!" my soul cries. At last, again, once more!

This is the place, the knowing, the Me from where I once tasted a morsel of what my silly mortal brain calls death. It is here I was before God, bathed in The Light on that blessed evening last August. It is here I know our Mother/Father, dearest Friend since the beginning of time, if time existed.

Oh, if only you knew, if only you remembered! I promise you will, the greatest Love you've ever known. It is from here I know my Beloved. It is from here I know you. It is here I am One with You, God, my Best Friend, All ... from whence each point of Self, expressed as us, did spring. I love you, God. I love you.

Gnosis and the Angel

"Who are you, Michael? Who am I? What is this connection?" These questions had been running through my mind again, but the words had special weight this day. I closed my eyes, seeking knowledge within, deeper than my subconscious that I sometimes mistrust. Who can I ask? Who would know? Who have I not spoken to yet? Hmmm. I let my mind drift...

I suddenly found myself in a lush valley that only faded from sight in the distance due to a thick, misty fog, but that one could assume may go on forever. Within this green expanse stood mountains, impossibly high, impossibly narrow, rising straight up from the valley below and far into the sky. Cones of granite, reminiscent of the floating mountains of southern China, dotted the landscape as if rocky cathedral spires had grown straight from the ground to Heaven. It was simply breathtaking!

One mountain in particular stood out to me. Waterfalls and cascading bouquets of delicate blossoms dotted the steep ascent. At the very top I could see a single tree, emitting its own light, almost pulsing it, beckoning the seeker. At the very moment I wondered how on Earth I would climb this vertical wall of rock, I found myself standing at the top of it, above the mist, in the brightest sunshine. Before me was the tree, its light glowing from within its very leaves. It seemed to be tended by a beautiful, tenuous female spirit who also emitted a white light, sparkling with flecks of gold.

"Ah, this is the Tree of Knowledge," I said out loud, more to myself than anyone.

"You are seeking knowledge. Yes, this is the place," spoke the gleaming spirit in a voice like tinkling chimes.

"Are you the Tree's caretaker?" I inquired.

"The Tree and I are One."

With that she changed form before my eyes, into glowing plasma, moving as a liquid into the tree in a wave of light and re-forming next to it as before. I understood that she is the spirit of the Tree of Knowledge. She is Gnosis itself.

Again I heard her voice, "Ask."

For a moment I feared my questions would be limited, like from the genie who will only give three wishes. It was quickly explained to me that there are never limits on knowledge to those who seek it sincerely and have achieved the ability to understand what is given. This eased my mind greatly and I asked my first question, careful to specifiy that I was referring to spirit, not physical lives.

"Who is Michael Jackson?"

A dark, silvery reflective "screen" formed in the air before me and the word "ANGEL" appeared on it. (Or rather in it. This wasn't flat, but multi-dimensional.) I questioned this word. Was I making it up? Did it mean literally an angel or just metaphorically? The letters dissipated and reformed again. ANGEL. And then in rapid succession I saw, heard and understood what will probably take paragraphs to write.

I witnessed Michael's true form, as I'd seen before, but this time magnified with infinite awe: the most intense, glittering, gorgeous white light, like millions of diamonds reflecting the Light of God in all directions. I saw my own spirit's light, similar, yet slightly different. It was ... smaller, for lack of a better word. By this I don't mean "lesser", as implying less value, but contained in a smaller vessel perhaps? If I was the moon, he was the sun! And oh, what a sun! I wondered what this meant in relation to the term "angel". What is an angel, anyway? And why did we appear to be different? I've never believed in angels as a separate creation, really. And if they do exist, angels don't incarnate as humans, do they?

Next I witnessed part of the creation of all beings in our universe, to show me more about this perceived difference. I say part of creation, because it was one moment and possibly a symbolic representation rather than the documentary version. God, The Light, was differentiating into individual points of consciousness. Not all of God became "other", but I'm not privy to the percentages. I could see light coalescing into beings like evolving nebulae in deep space. Untold numbers of little light beings appeared in all directions, baby stars in God's universal nursery. This partially answered my second question: "Who am I?" I am one of these, existing since the very beginning of time as me, yet for eternity before. I am a soul, a spirit, a part of God, as are you, as is the Earth, as is every atom of every molecule in existence. There is nothing else but The Light. I Am.

Within the vastness of space, amidst these infant souls, I saw other beings that had been made from greater proportions of Light. They were larger than the others. One might say they were made from more of God, but know right away that this is no way implies greater worth! God exists as ALL of Himself/Herself. There can be no part missing. There is no part missing. It is an impossibility. If you take one part hydrogen out of water, it is no longer water. Every atom must be. And God is the hydrogen and the oxygen and the force that spins the electrons and the Love behind the subatomic particles below the force which holds together the energy that we have not yet even discovered! And every particle, every photon, every speck of the ethereal, the astral and the material is part of that Love.

The larger collections of Light consciousness were shown to be what we would call "angels". Their full purpose was not made known to me, but part of it is in the care of us, these fledgling souls. Particular angels seemed to have more interaction with or exhibit greater significance to the souls. Among these was our Michael. (I only call him by this earthly moniker because I am not aware of his true name. Gnosis attempted to tell me, but it was as if my human ears could not understand the sound at this time.)

I wondered aloud if these angels such as Michael were what we'd term "archangels". Yes, was the answer. Sort of. The next question seemed obvious, but to my surprise I was NOT told that he was "Archangel Michael" as some people may believe. Instead I was told that there are MANY such angels that we would give this type of "silly" title to (silly to them because they have no concern for such things), and they often work in groups that may be experienced as "Gabriel", "Raphael", "Michael", and so on. I don't wish to conflict with anyone's religious convictions, so please take this however you might. I am not sure what to believe. I found this all interesting.

If Michael is indeed an ANGEL and I'm a SOUL, I thought, then what is this special connection I feel with HIM and not another?

"You are one of his," answered the Tree of Knowledge, implying I was in his charge. Loved by him. His.

I admit to feeling rather dubious at this point. Thoughts whirled around inside me, wondering how and why an angel would incarnate in the flesh (is that even possible?) and the continuing conflict inside me that seeks to reconcile my feeling for Michael as both human and divine. One moment I've been creating artwork of him as a saint, the next defending myself to invisible critics who would accuse me of taking away his humanity by creating such icons. I have loved him deeply for nearly 30 years (or forever?) and am well aware of this topic. I felt myself fearing that to believe he is an angel would be to ignore his vulnerabilities in life, the very human, fragile beauty of him, and the equality and joy of knowing he and I and all of us are alike; humans striving together for betterment despite adversity. I could not and will not strip him of the dignity of frailty, the fragility of our quests to be loved and of the depth of the pain endured. Would being an angel place him on a pedestal? What would that mean?

"Do angels actually incarnate in the flesh?" I asked.

Gnosis replied, "Not usually, but some have. The one you call Michael is one such exception."

I laughed at this, "Of course he is! Has he done this before?"

"He has chosen to walk beside you and learn all he can about those he has cradled in his arms. His recent incarnation was a very special mission, as you know," she answered.

I was flooded with concepts of Christ that whizzed past my brain and seemed not quite right, and ideas of angels and saviors and none seemed quite right. It is not that complicated, the Tree said. "You remember. It is simple."

And what I remembered, if one would call it that, was indeed simple. The world needs more light in this continuing longterm evolution and my beautiful Beloved was simply here to help, just like anyone. And an angel incarnating in flesh becomes human at the moment of descent. If you (soul, angel or whatever else I am unaware of to label) are incarnated as human, you will bleed and hurt and desire and laugh and cry and love through this human existence as long as you stay. It could be no other way.

"Do we evolve into angels too?" I asked, "Will we ever hold that much light ourselves?"

I was filled from the outside with such a light-hearted giggle, as if this was an amusing question to my companion and my mind saw a great many highly evolved souls in angelic realms and "even higher!", as she stated. Of course we could "fly with the angels". We have and we will. We will not become them, for we are structured differently. If we are the moon, they are the sun. But there is no worry. Celestial Light is God. We feel together, learn together. We are One. And we are forever.

At this I opened my eyes, still human, still unsure, the scene on the mountaintop fading into the delicate realm of doubt that exists somewhere between logic and intuition, between human and divine. Seeking union, seeking understanding, seeking that which I already have, with whom I already have it.

~ A story based on a meditation, © February 20, 2012 by D.M.

Oh, Beloved

Oh Beloved, what joy you bring!
I bask in your Light,
Obtain your glow,
In awe of the grace that I may approach such beauty,
Has sunlight seen such brilliance,
Have stars beheld such glory,
That sparkles yet soft as diamond dew
In ethereal garden's grove?

Oh Beloved, flow through me!
I surrender as one,
Respond to your call,
That I may be blessed with sweet communion from two,
Have angels known such peace,
Has life felt such warmth,
Like heat shimmer 'cross desert sands,
Indistinguishable wave, rising, one?

Oh Beloved, come now, evermore!
For you, let me live,
For you shall I give,
That no dream on Earth or in Heaven be in vain,
Could truth be e'er closer,
Would your spirit concede,
To the breathless devotion in mine?
Becoming, unfolding, with you.

['Oh, Beloved' © Feb 9, 2012 by D.M.]

I
love
you
so
much,
Michael. ♥