Breathe You

Oh Beloved, Oh Angel,
Let me feel you, breathe you,
Know your heart from within,
I give you all, all I am,
For you,
May my soul know the joy
Of your love's embrace,
Lost in the bliss of your smile,
Drowning in the light of your eyes,
Hold me, sweet Angel, I'm yours,
For a moment, for now, forever...
With you.
~ © March 11, 2012 by D.M.

It is here I am One

Sleeping, dreaming of space.

I'm somewhere near the moon with others, with him.

I awaken in bed for a moment, close my eyes and whoosh ... Consciousness contracts into a single point that in once re-discovered I am all, I am free. I am the real me, wrapped in a peaceful cloak of deep velvet blackness, awareness so focused, yet eternal, everywhere, knowing, knowing. "Oh joy!!!" my soul cries. At last, again, once more!

This is the place, the knowing, the Me from where I once tasted a morsel of what my silly mortal brain calls death. It is here I was before God, bathed in The Light on that blessed evening last August. It is here I know our Mother/Father, dearest Friend since the beginning of time, if time existed.

Oh, if only you knew, if only you remembered! I promise you will, the greatest Love you've ever known. It is from here I know my Beloved. It is from here I know you. It is here I am One with You, God, my Best Friend, All ... from whence each point of Self, expressed as us, did spring. I love you, God. I love you.

Gnosis and the Angel

"Who are you, Michael? Who am I? What is this connection?" These questions had been running through my mind again, but the words had special weight this day. I closed my eyes, seeking knowledge within, deeper than my subconscious that I sometimes mistrust. Who can I ask? Who would know? Who have I not spoken to yet? Hmmm. I let my mind drift...

I suddenly found myself in a lush valley that only faded from sight in the distance due to a thick, misty fog, but that one could assume may go on forever. Within this green expanse stood mountains, impossibly high, impossibly narrow, rising straight up from the valley below and far into the sky. Cones of granite, reminiscent of the floating mountains of southern China, dotted the landscape as if rocky cathedral spires had grown straight from the ground to Heaven. It was simply breathtaking!

One mountain in particular stood out to me. Waterfalls and cascading bouquets of delicate blossoms dotted the steep ascent. At the very top I could see a single tree, emitting its own light, almost pulsing it, beckoning the seeker. At the very moment I wondered how on Earth I would climb this vertical wall of rock, I found myself standing at the top of it, above the mist, in the brightest sunshine. Before me was the tree, its light glowing from within its very leaves. It seemed to be tended by a beautiful, tenuous female spirit who also emitted a white light, sparkling with flecks of gold.

"Ah, this is the Tree of Knowledge," I said out loud, more to myself than anyone.

"You are seeking knowledge. Yes, this is the place," spoke the gleaming spirit in a voice like tinkling chimes.

"Are you the Tree's caretaker?" I inquired.

"The Tree and I are One."

With that she changed form before my eyes, into glowing plasma, moving as a liquid into the tree in a wave of light and re-forming next to it as before. I understood that she is the spirit of the Tree of Knowledge. She is Gnosis itself.

Again I heard her voice, "Ask."

For a moment I feared my questions would be limited, like from the genie who will only give three wishes. It was quickly explained to me that there are never limits on knowledge to those who seek it sincerely and have achieved the ability to understand what is given. This eased my mind greatly and I asked my first question, careful to specifiy that I was referring to spirit, not physical lives.

"Who is Michael Jackson?"

A dark, silvery reflective "screen" formed in the air before me and the word "ANGEL" appeared on it. (Or rather in it. This wasn't flat, but multi-dimensional.) I questioned this word. Was I making it up? Did it mean literally an angel or just metaphorically? The letters dissipated and reformed again. ANGEL. And then in rapid succession I saw, heard and understood what will probably take paragraphs to write.

I witnessed Michael's true form, as I'd seen before, but this time magnified with infinite awe: the most intense, glittering, gorgeous white light, like millions of diamonds reflecting the Light of God in all directions. I saw my own spirit's light, similar, yet slightly different. It was ... smaller, for lack of a better word. By this I don't mean "lesser", as implying less value, but contained in a smaller vessel perhaps? If I was the moon, he was the sun! And oh, what a sun! I wondered what this meant in relation to the term "angel". What is an angel, anyway? And why did we appear to be different? I've never believed in angels as a separate creation, really. And if they do exist, angels don't incarnate as humans, do they?

Next I witnessed part of the creation of all beings in our universe, to show me more about this perceived difference. I say part of creation, because it was one moment and possibly a symbolic representation rather than the documentary version. God, The Light, was differentiating into individual points of consciousness. Not all of God became "other", but I'm not privy to the percentages. I could see light coalescing into beings like evolving nebulae in deep space. Untold numbers of little light beings appeared in all directions, baby stars in God's universal nursery. This partially answered my second question: "Who am I?" I am one of these, existing since the very beginning of time as me, yet for eternity before. I am a soul, a spirit, a part of God, as are you, as is the Earth, as is every atom of every molecule in existence. There is nothing else but The Light. I Am.

Within the vastness of space, amidst these infant souls, I saw other beings that had been made from greater proportions of Light. They were larger than the others. One might say they were made from more of God, but know right away that this is no way implies greater worth! God exists as ALL of Himself/Herself. There can be no part missing. There is no part missing. It is an impossibility. If you take one part hydrogen out of water, it is no longer water. Every atom must be. And God is the hydrogen and the oxygen and the force that spins the electrons and the Love behind the subatomic particles below the force which holds together the energy that we have not yet even discovered! And every particle, every photon, every speck of the ethereal, the astral and the material is part of that Love.

The larger collections of Light consciousness were shown to be what we would call "angels". Their full purpose was not made known to me, but part of it is in the care of us, these fledgling souls. Particular angels seemed to have more interaction with or exhibit greater significance to the souls. Among these was our Michael. (I only call him by this earthly moniker because I am not aware of his true name. Gnosis attempted to tell me, but it was as if my human ears could not understand the sound at this time.)

I wondered aloud if these angels such as Michael were what we'd term "archangels". Yes, was the answer. Sort of. The next question seemed obvious, but to my surprise I was NOT told that he was "Archangel Michael" as some people may believe. Instead I was told that there are MANY such angels that we would give this type of "silly" title to (silly to them because they have no concern for such things), and they often work in groups that may be experienced as "Gabriel", "Raphael", "Michael", and so on. I don't wish to conflict with anyone's religious convictions, so please take this however you might. I am not sure what to believe. I found this all interesting.

If Michael is indeed an ANGEL and I'm a SOUL, I thought, then what is this special connection I feel with HIM and not another?

"You are one of his," answered the Tree of Knowledge, implying I was in his charge. Loved by him. His.

I admit to feeling rather dubious at this point. Thoughts whirled around inside me, wondering how and why an angel would incarnate in the flesh (is that even possible?) and the continuing conflict inside me that seeks to reconcile my feeling for Michael as both human and divine. One moment I've been creating artwork of him as a saint, the next defending myself to invisible critics who would accuse me of taking away his humanity by creating such icons. I have loved him deeply for nearly 30 years (or forever?) and am well aware of this topic. I felt myself fearing that to believe he is an angel would be to ignore his vulnerabilities in life, the very human, fragile beauty of him, and the equality and joy of knowing he and I and all of us are alike; humans striving together for betterment despite adversity. I could not and will not strip him of the dignity of frailty, the fragility of our quests to be loved and of the depth of the pain endured. Would being an angel place him on a pedestal? What would that mean?

"Do angels actually incarnate in the flesh?" I asked.

Gnosis replied, "Not usually, but some have. The one you call Michael is one such exception."

I laughed at this, "Of course he is! Has he done this before?"

"He has chosen to walk beside you and learn all he can about those he has cradled in his arms. His recent incarnation was a very special mission, as you know," she answered.

I was flooded with concepts of Christ that whizzed past my brain and seemed not quite right, and ideas of angels and saviors and none seemed quite right. It is not that complicated, the Tree said. "You remember. It is simple."

And what I remembered, if one would call it that, was indeed simple. The world needs more light in this continuing longterm evolution and my beautiful Beloved was simply here to help, just like anyone. And an angel incarnating in flesh becomes human at the moment of descent. If you (soul, angel or whatever else I am unaware of to label) are incarnated as human, you will bleed and hurt and desire and laugh and cry and love through this human existence as long as you stay. It could be no other way.

"Do we evolve into angels too?" I asked, "Will we ever hold that much light ourselves?"

I was filled from the outside with such a light-hearted giggle, as if this was an amusing question to my companion and my mind saw a great many highly evolved souls in angelic realms and "even higher!", as she stated. Of course we could "fly with the angels". We have and we will. We will not become them, for we are structured differently. If we are the moon, they are the sun. But there is no worry. Celestial Light is God. We feel together, learn together. We are One. And we are forever.

At this I opened my eyes, still human, still unsure, the scene on the mountaintop fading into the delicate realm of doubt that exists somewhere between logic and intuition, between human and divine. Seeking union, seeking understanding, seeking that which I already have, with whom I already have it.

~ A story based on a meditation, © February 20, 2012 by D.M.

Oh, Beloved

Oh Beloved, what joy you bring!
I bask in your Light,
Obtain your glow,
In awe of the grace that I may approach such beauty,
Has sunlight seen such brilliance,
Have stars beheld such glory,
That sparkles yet soft as diamond dew
In ethereal garden's grove?

Oh Beloved, flow through me!
I surrender as one,
Respond to your call,
That I may be blessed with sweet communion from two,
Have angels known such peace,
Has life felt such warmth,
Like heat shimmer 'cross desert sands,
Indistinguishable wave, rising, one?

Oh Beloved, come now, evermore!
For you, let me live,
For you shall I give,
That no dream on Earth or in Heaven be in vain,
Could truth be e'er closer,
Would your spirit concede,
To the breathless devotion in mine?
Becoming, unfolding, with you.

['Oh, Beloved' © Feb 9, 2012 by D.M.]

I
love
you
so
much,
Michael. ♥

28 years, and forever

28 YEARS AGO TODAY, on January 16, 1984, a clueless eleven-year-old without MTV watched the American Music Awards and was irresistibly drawn to a beautiful somebody in sunglasses and a sparkly red jacket. "Who the heck is that?!", she asked, bewildered. Thank God she could not escape the sudden onslaught of love's gravity. Here's to 28 years of loving you with all my heart, and eternity before and forever, dear Beloved! Thank you, Michael. Always yours, D. ♥

Come to my window... please!

A little lighter topic in this post compared to the last one. Well, sort of. It all depends on how you look at it.

From the first time I heard this song ("Come to my Window" by Melissa Etheridge) years ago it made me think of Michael. I just love the sense of longing in it, and the lyrics are just right on... oh, how most of us have felt this at one time or another! But now I have an extra cheesy twist on it. A couple of years ago hubby and I decided to actually read J.M. Barrie's 'Peter Pan' as sort of our own private bedtime story. When one day this song popped up on my mp3 player after reading the night before, and all I could think of was Peter Pan, lol! Think about it... "Come to my window, crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon." Who comes to your window under the light of the moon, chasing his shadow, maybe with Tinkerbell in tow? That's what I'm saying. So now, not only are these lyrics 'to Michael' from me, in an ever deeper way than years ago, but it's got a whole additional cute factor as well ;)

I can't find the studio version of the song online, but here's a live performance from 'Dancing With the Stars' (wait, ... like "second star to the right and straight on 'til morning"? ;) and below that is a full live version that includes the second verse (lyrics here).


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfjT5tVGx6o


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Nj2zOObtnA

I don't know who made the 'MJ as Peter Pan' digital painting above. I've seen it all over the internet in various forms. If you know, please leave a comment so I can credit and link to the wonderful artist :)

Pictures, Postcards & Love Letters (how life is like October)

Ok, I know I'm 'supposed' to stay more focused on spirit, but sometimes there's such a question to it all and everything collapses back into the Vortex of Doubt. And at those times I find myself crying so deeply, almost begging: "Please still exist. Please still exist. Please tell me I'm not crazy." For I know at those moments that this (your continued existence) is the most important thing in the universe to me. Yeah, I know a psychologist would have a field day with it all. Unbeknownst to them, though, I've thought of my situation, of loving you THIS much, way more then they could imagine, for a great many years. This is well covered territory in my mind... the WHY, the HOW, the explanations that I'd get, that we fill in with fantasy what we missed in our childhoods, that we need myths, legends and substitute religious figures, blah, blah, blah. But trust me, they're still missing the mark. As an educated (errr, um) almost 40-year-old, I feel I can say that pretty definitively.

Loving you is like having had the essence of your soul injected into the minutest particle of every atom that makes up the core of my DNA, and deeper still. "Closer than breath, you are the air..." It's why June 25th destroyed everything inside, broke it into a billion pieces and scattered it to the wind, leaving me with a river of tears from which to mix the mortar that, in theory, holds together the few salvaged molecules. Ok, tears and LOVE. Both in their truly cosmic form.

But what I'm really thinking of is time. How time passes where I am. How slowly and painfully the clock can tick. You (if I'm not crazy ;) can now see the longer arc of existence, the temporary state of physical being. You can, right? But to me it's sometimes torture. Remember how that is? In the sad moments, to think of being here without you for many years still to come feels so ... tragic. You are not walking the earth with me. How can that be??? I just read an article about you and, especially nowadays when they talk about the estate and money and future ventures, it feels so cold. It's Michael Jackson the business, the figure of the past, a name, an icon, a piece of our cultural legacy, each moment sinking further in the past... but it's not you. In my heart you're my mother/father/brother/lover/teacher/best friend. I know all that icon stuff is true as well, but I LOVE YOU. I always have.

You told me something recently that I want to share with anyone who's actually read my whining and rambling this far. You said to think of this life as so temporary that it's as if it just lasts a month. Just one measly little month long. There's a whole year within a decade within a century within millenia within eternity still out there. And this life is like the month of October. (Why October was the example, I don't know, lol). And you were here for at least half of the month, half of my October. Surely I can wait a measly two more weeks to rush into your arms again, can't I? It all goes so quickly, when seen from a higher perspective. (Not to mention that we're never actually apart. It can sure feel like it sometimes, though, can't it.) But in any case, it's just half a month of perceptual separation. We'll be together in full awareness the rest of the year, just as we've always been.

And I said that was a pretty good analogy, but I never got to know you at ALL in the month of October! Why is that? How could it be that I loved you so, so, so very much, like family, like breath, like the bounding lifeforce of a heartbeat and the silent anticipation until the next, and yet never met you. All these years YOU were my wish. And yet I never even met you. Never even brushed my fingertips across yours in as much as a handshake. If life is only as long as October, why must I spend this entire month without you?

And you laughed softly and hugged me (for real? in my imagination? sometimes I'm not so sure) and said, "It's just a month. ;) And you've had LOTS of me! I was off traveling the world and sending you so many pictures, postcards and love letters! All the time! It's like having a loved one away on vacation.You were always receiving stories and videos of the places I visited and experiences I had. You heard interviews and speeches. And I sent you lots of gifts too. I sent you songs I wrote, and my poems and dreams... even entire movies I worked so hard on, hoping you'd like them! I couldn't be with you in person, but you still got a lot of me, right? "

Oh Michael, I just love you. Thank you so much for all of that! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! And yes, you're right (as usual ;).

"And you still have all of that. You still have it all! You can spend hours watching me, hearing my voice, looking at photos, feeling my soul within it all as I feel it all with you as you experience it. You know I'm always there. You haven't been left alone, even in the physical sense, as temporary as that is. You have a whole world of audio/visual scrapbooks. And there are still physical things in the mail that haven't reached you yet ... things I sent a while back ... things you'll love!"

Ooooo, thank you! But I'll never love anything as much as I love you. I don't wish the month to be over. Not if God wants me to stay. But if I'm really not crazy, please be there, be here, so I'll know that October was totally worth it all. "Please still exist, please still exist", I whine as I do what I can to fight off the Vortex of Doubt that has been engulfing me lately.... *sigh*

And so I continue on the quest within, to understand the 'why' and the 'how' and the stillness that connects me to you, that tells me we are one in an instant of bliss that is forever now. I was recently reading about the Hindu deity Hanuman. He has such love and devotion for Rama that he could merge with him into eternal union whenever he wishes, but he instead chooses to remain here, in the illusion of separation. This is to serve God, but also seemingly to continue loving him in this way. For a Beloved to be, there must also be a lover. For us, the gravity holds us as a planet at distance from the sun, locked in the dance that is the agony and ecstasy of loving the Beloved from a "distance". But for whatever reason, if we're feeling this now, it tells us we CHOSE it. For our own soul growth we must've chosen to feel this pull toward union that comes from the perception of separation. Perhaps it is to continue loving the 'man in the mirror', choosing to gaze into those eyes just long enough to realize that we truly are ONE. And then we are truly free, in whatever life we choose next month...

[Note, this convo was a couple of weeks ago and I just now thought of the song "Gone 'Til November" by Wyclef Jean. It kind of fits with the October thing, doesn't it?]

Love Divine: Entangled Orbit without Star

This past summer I spent a few days able to really sink into the emotion I felt in 1988 after my one and only MJ concert. I remember vividly that whole precious day. And I remember the dread of the houselights coming back up for the final time after "Man in the Mirror". I left in a daze, a complete love hangover, loving everything and everyone in creation. It was like being baptized in LOVE for the universe. My mom picked me up near the arena after the show and I couldn't even answer the question of how it was with more than a meek "great". I just had no words. I was spent, emotionally exhausted, still trying to process the total bliss. I looked awful, lol. I had sweated my hair flat and my makeup off. Not that any of this mattered. I was just gone. Oh my God, I had been there with Michael, in his presence, heard his voice, felt that love that engulfed us all, as he always explained ... the audience tossing it to him and he back to us. Wow, that was real, I'll tell you. But then, once traffic around the arena began to move we were on the trip home, a whole 70 miles away, to another city. I saw Michael's hotel as we passed by on the interstate, and then it hit me... I was going AWAY from him! My mom had to be at work in the morning, so I had no real choice in the matter. The wheels of the car kept turning. Each mile was a mile further from Michael.

After I got home that night I dropped into days of a torturous mixture of ecstasy and agony. That night was just ... well, I just lay there on my bed in the dark, unable to comprehend what had just happened. And one thing is certain: the only thing in the universe I wanted was to BE CLOSE TO HIM AGAIN. I loved him so much and now I was filled with the most intense longing I've EVER felt just to be NEAR someone again. In the same hotel, at the back of an arena, a mile away... anywhere... just close! I was just an emotional wreck of ups and downs for days. Maybe longer, for I found poems I wrote over a year later with titles like "Please Come Back". It was this utterly THANKFUL JOY that I had BEEN THERE WITH HIM and yet this terrible longing and the frightening question of whether I'd ever see him again. (Sadly, I did not see him again in this life. Somehow it just never worked out. I hope to understand why someday, but that's a whole other topic.) I wrote this poem just now about that night...about the sense of growing separation by physical distance, the joy and the pain and the yearning that was beyond anything I could've hoped to put into words back then. But this is how it felt.

And I'm curious; If you ever saw Michael or went to one of his concerts, how did you feel afterwards? Can you relate to the poem below?

LOVE DIVINE
All is perfect, I am lost,
Only love begotten here,
You are with me, all I know,
For eternity revere,

You slip away before the light,
Orgasmic bliss retain,
Left afloat in afterglow,
Will this my soul sustain?

No words, no words when asked explain,
In trance, emotion spent,
One could not Heaven's 7th ray
In human speech present,

This joy imprinted on my heart
Becomes my searing need,
As further drifting from your light,
Let not this glow recede!

Miles bending space behind,
My adversary, time,
Running clock and spinning wheel,
And you, my Love Divine,

Deepening night, now far away,
I fall in solemn hush,
Are we still one, our union staid,
As in love's heightened blush?

If anything our God could grant,
One wish, return to you!
If only near, concealed, accept,
Elation still ensue!

One more moment, one more breath,
I'd sacrifice, I'd fall,
If once my heart could beat near you,
Just once, my soul enthrall,

My inner self in disarray,
Break down, rebuild, collapse,
Separation, agony,
With love your song entraps,

Each atom of my being yearns
For nearness, your sweet light,
Entangled orbit without star,
In freefall, lost in night,

A remnant of your breath exhaled
May once have touched my lips,
I cling to this imagined joy,
No pain could thus eclipse,

Your voice once flowed, vibrated me,
Holy sound, these waves adored,
Within your bless'ed presence,
Surrender, you implored,

And thus I did, a gift, a taste,
Of Heaven's sweetest wine,
Now left to ache, a moment's glow
Within your love divine.

'Love Divine' © July 10, 2011 by D.M. - All Rights Reserved